Sweet Sampetra: Season One
by Harliq and Amsterdam
Summary: A hilarious sitcom and soap opera concerning the private lives of the Pearls of Lutra villains! COMPLETED. LOOK FOR SEASON 2, COMING SOON
1. The one with the Glowinthedark Condoms

_Welcome to the isle of Sampetra. A tropical jewel where love is fleeting, secrets lie buried and anything (from nautical adventures to rodents with bikini waxes) is possible…_

This is our first Redwall fic and it takes place near the end of the Pearls of Lutra (Before Ublaz, Rasconza, Romsca or Sagitar die, 'cuz honestly, what fun would it be without all the baddies?). All the story's protagonists are quite exceedingly out of character, but that's why they're so freakin' hilarious ok?

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters except Craig… and Melissa and Rinj but they come in later

This was written with Devil's Advocate.

Enjoy…

SWEET SAMPETRA: SEASON ONE 

**Season premier: The One With The Glow-in-the-dark Condoms **

Sagitar Sawfang wasn't your customary searat. She was sixteen (but far too sassy to be sweet), treacherous, flirtatious (if a sexy beast was around), occasionally air-headed and armed with double Ds, which was probably why she held the indisputable title of Chief Trident-rat.

Whilst her steadfast trident-rats, eager to please their sizeably cleavaged master, patrolled Sampetra's taverns and harbours, she paced the jetty, applying and re-applying her lip-gloss restlessly. Waiting.

"Hello, Sag?"

She jumped, startled, as her walkie-talkie crackled into life. Then swore when her lip-gloss slipped from her paws and into the ocean with an unceremonious plop. Hastily, she reached into her pocket, found the device, and punched the red activation button, pressing the speaker to her ear.

"What!"

"Whoa, chill Sagitar. Its only me", reassured Rasconza.

"I'm calm!" she burst out, and then realized how un-calm that sounded and felt her cheeks burn in embarrassment. She was glad the Rebel Crew had such low-tech walkie-talkies, so Rasconza wasn't able to see her face.

"Ok, maybe I'm a little nervous… But it's hard. I feel like Ublaz already knows. Oh, and you owe me a new lip-gloss."

But that wasn't the real reason Sagitar was nervous. She couldn't help guilt from clawing at her.

"Can't do. I'm afraid there aren't any cosmetics in the _Bloodkeel_'s storage room. They do have a rather large supply of glow-in-the-dark condoms, though."

"Thanks, but you can keep your condoms to yourself, Rasconza."

"Well, anyways, you weren't acting suspicious around Ublaz though, were you? Like, _Here's your vodka, your mightiness. And, just thought you'd like to know, I can't sit and get drunk with you this time, seeing as I'm secretly working for Rasconza and his miscreants_." teased the Rebel Crew leader.

"Shut up! I'm already risking my butt here for your plan, the least you could do is be nice to me." She cast her eye nervously about the jetty; making sure noone was listening in on their conversation. The docks remained deserted. Sagitar let out a sigh of relief.

"All you need to do is, when Ublaz orders you to leave his castle, sneak off to the rebel crew and when the time comes to reveal your treachery, I'll say "Unveil yourself for the Mighty Ublaz" and _you_ be all cool and freaky and pull off your hood so he can see your face" Rasconza paused as though thinking it over.

"It's that simple," He continued " So really, you've got it pretty good."

Sagitar shivered even though the tropical-ness of Sampetra always kept the temperature warm. She didn't feel all too _cool and freaky _at the moment.

"Okay, I'll call you later if anything comes up. Bye—

She was about to hang up when Rasconza started talking again. "Why are you hanging up? I have a lot of time, you know, since all the rebels avoid me. They're scared 'cause I killed Barranca so none of them will talk to me except Grewjaw, and you know what he's like."

Of course she did, it seemed everyone on Sampetra thought Groojaw was crazy because of his strange obsession with making bombs and blowing up stuff.

"I'm just nervous… what if I'm doing the wrong thing, betraying Ublaz and all."

"It's ok, Sag, I know your guilty because you have an endless, undying, fiery and passionate lust for him but you've got to understand, he's way out of your league" Rasconza pointed out, "He likes Romsca or whoever now that she ditched us and became his secretary."

Sagitar responded loudly, forgetting her fear of being overheard. "I do _not _have an endless, undying, fiery and… Whatever, I don't have feelings for Ublaz, okay?" she lied even though she knew she was a terrible liar. She tried to think up a witty comeback. "You're…you're probably just saying that because you're jealous of him"

"_Me_, jealous of _Ublaz_? Not a chance. The only reason why he's the chick magnet he is is because he's swimming in money and he's got a six-pack."

"And you're a skinny little po boy with no money and no muscles. Yup Rasconza, the perfect reasons for you to be jealous of him."

"Shut up." Rasconza said frostily

"As you wish, Great Rebel Leader" She said, her voice dripping sarcasm. Then, she hung up.

Suddenly, she felt a cold claw rest on her shoulder

"You wouldn't happen to be zpeaking with the Rebel Leader Razconza would you Zagitar?" Said a hissing reptilian voice. Sagitar knew who it was before she turned around.

"AHHH!" She yelped with fright when she saw Monitor General lizard Lask Frildur.

"Wow, Lask, you scared the crap out of me." She hated the monitor lizards. Especially Lask. They all creeped her out but he was by far the worst. She also hated the way he called her "Zagitar".

"Who were you talking to?", he demanded, leaning in close to her, his rancid breath smelled of raw meat.

Sagitar usually didn't listen to rumours, especially considering most of them were about her and Ublaz fucking in the throne-room. But many corsairs believed the lizards were flesh eating, and she sure didn't want to find out if _those _rumours were true.

The emperor's Chief Trident-rat recoiled as far back from Lask as she could without losing her balance, shrugging his scaly hand off her.

" Er… Craig. He does a very good Rasconza impersonation. But it sounds like he has a lisp because of his lip-piercing."

A masterpiece of a lie, huh? Craig was the Trident-rat second to Sagitar, one rank below Chief. Only reason he ranked on the popularity chart: he was the only guy apart from Ublaz who had a six-pack (the only reason she knew this, was because she saw it at a pool party, OK perverts?).

Still looking suspicious, Frildur sauntered away towards Ublaz's palace. Once again a sigh of relief shook Sagitar's lean, sinewy frame. That had been too close. But very soon, she reminded herself, this would all end.

Little did she know, however, that very soon, her problems would get much more complicated than a couple of glow-in-the-dark-condoms.


	2. The One with Barranca's Ghost

Hey again,

Chapter …er, I mean _Episode _2 is here so read it…

I don't own any new characters yet so everything is still all property of Brian Jacques… though messed up a little by us.

Enjoy…

SWEET SAMPETRA: SEASON ONE 

**Episode 2: The One With Barranca's Ghost**

Rasconza couldn't sleep for two reasons. First of all, the thought that Sagitar could still change her mind and stay loyal to Ublaz was keeping him awake. Then there were the hammocks. For the longest time, the rebel crew had always slept in bunks located on the lower deck of the _Bloodkeel _but now, Grooja had come up with the phenomenon that hammocks worked better than bunkbeds.

Rasconza had been fine with this that was until the first night in which he had to sleep in one of the dreaded things. He found it nearly impossible to get into a hammock for one, and a lot worst to sleep in ine.

For the umpteenth that night, just as he was about to be enveloped in sleep he rolled to far to one side and fell headfirst from the hammock. He landed flat on his face on the floor with a loud _bang!_

"Shit" he grumbled, "I hate Grooja, him and his stupid hammocks." Rasconza forced himself to get up, then grabbed one side of the hammock to lift himself back on but hi s grip slipped and he ended up flat on his back.

Great. He'd just have to sleep on the ground tonight and take that add for a bunch of ship bunks off Ebay.

He probably would have lay there for the rest of the night and eventually gone to sleep if it hadn't been for Sagitar who chose this moment to knock on the window.

Rascoza hauled himself up again reluctantly and opened the window. Sagitar was sitting in a jollyboat that was floating in the water alongside the docked ship. He was surprised to see her. Wasn't she supposed to be here come morning, when she would reveal her betrayal to the Emperor Ublaz?

"Sagitar, what are you doing here?" He said, his voice still groggy from sleep.

"I couldn't stay at the jetty." She replied, "Lask was keeping his scaly eye on me like some freaky stalker and inside I'd have to deal with Ublaz." This wasn't entirely the truth. She _really _didn't want to stick around the Emperor's Palace for fear of feeling to guilty and backing down on her plot to betray Ublaz for Rasconza.

Rasconza looked at her. She was drenched wet, her clothes and fur soaked from head to heeled pink stilettos even though it hadn't been raining outside. It almost never rained on the isle of Sampetra.

"What happened to you?" He asked bluntly but he couldn't help but think that Sagitar looked a little hot when her fur was all wet and clung unto her like that. But he snapped this thought quickly out of his mind. No matter how much he like Sagitar, she was always mean to him and thought he was just a skinny little po boy. The only reason why she even changed to his side was because she feared Ublaz.

Or was it?

"I would have simply walked across the dock to board the _Bloodkeel_ but it turns out this ship has an annoying tendency to drift away from the jetty even when it's moored so I had to use the only boat that was there and it turned out to have a leak." She looked completely miserable.

"And you now what the worst part of this all is?" She said. Rasconza shook his head so she continued.

"My favourite shoes are wrecked." She explained holding up her prized possession, her jean, and pink, heeled stilettos.

Rasconza rolled his eyes. That was Sagitar for you. Sometimes, she could be a total ditz and drama-queen.

"Well, I'm going to try to get some sleep," Rasconza said, "You can stay if you like." He made one final attempt to get into the hammock, this time jumping so that all his weight (which really wasn't very heavy anyway) landed on the hammock at once. This turned out to bad idea because as soon as he landed the hammock flipped right over tipping him onto the floor again very painfully.

He heard Sagitar burst into laughter at this and his face burn red under his fiery orange fur.

"_Smooth_, Rasconza", the chief Trident-rat vaulted over the windowsill agilely, making a graceful landing before him. _She makes it look so easy_, he thought to himself as he, seizing his hammock for support, got to his feet. He decided sitting on it would be a safer option, if he didn't want to dent his pride too much.

"So why come to the lair of the skinny little po boy?", the fox wondered again.

She looked up from smoothing her soggy silver fur, "I can't sleep. And it's nothing to do with Craig snoring in the next room. I keep dreaming this weird dream that I have to kill Ublaz, and he looks up at me withthose big hypnotic eyes…" She paused, staring down at the damp mouldy floor, whch had been scrubbed early that morning by a reluctant Groojaw, "What if I can't betray him?"

It wasn't a reassuring thought for Rasconza that Sagitar had dreams about Ublaz. He wished Sagitars problem had been snoring. He knew from past experiences when Barranca had been alive how to deal with that.

"Look, Sag. It's your call. I don't think that rich bastard should keep ordering you around, but that's just me.", he grinned, "And you know how much I hate Ublaz."

He realised he'd been swaying nervously in his hammock. Sagitar gripped the side of the fabric to make him stop.

Sagitar returned the smile giving him a playful punch in the shoulder, "I know the only reason you're doing this is 'cause you want me on the Rebel Crew." But she accidentally, forgetting just how light Rasconza was, made him topple backwards off the hammock.

"I'm ok.", the Rebel Crew leader muttered, wondering if she even cared if he was ok.

"These hammocks aren't _that_ bad.", she sat down beside him.

"You don't have to sleep in one everyday.", he pointed out glumly, "You probably get to sleep on some velvet plush loofas at Ublaz's palace."

"Lighten up, Rasconza. You're the one who's captain of a crew of rebels, while I lead dumb-as-brick Trident-rats."

He looked at her incredulously, "You think Craig's_ dumb-as-bricks_?"

"Of course not."

"He's a Trident-rat"

"Shut up!"

"Ok, ok."

"Hey…uh, Rasconza?"

"Hmmm?"

"It was nice of you, letting me stay here," She leaned in _very _close to him, looking up at him with huge pale blue eyes. Rasconza was confused, had Sagitar _actually _said that, or was he so tired he was hallucinating?

"And I think I know what'll make you like hammocks better." she flashed him a mischievous smile, then leaned the full way, catching his mouth in hers…

The door of the Captain's cabin swung open, revealing a wide-eyed Groojaw gawking at them. Rasconza pulled away from Sagitar, the feeling of the kiss still warm on his lips.

"What the hell, Groojaw!" Rasconza growled, "These are my private quarters, knock before you come in damnit!"

The hapless corsair stepped backwards, "Sorry, Cap'n." He looked apologetic, but by the next morning most of the fox's crew and some Trident-rats would already know about what happened between the Rebel Crew leader and Chief Trident-rat in the Captain's cabin.

"Well, if you're so sorry then leave." Rasconza said because Grooja was still standing there gawking at them with his mouth dangling half open.

"Uh…sorry cap'n" The corsair repeated dumbly before running out of the room as fast as he could. Rasconza rolled his eyes and turned back to Sagitar.

"Yeah, they're all a little stupid like that" Rasconza explained though he was afraid he'd ruined the moment. Sagitar was still looking at him with those big blue eyes of hers and it was making Rasconza nervous.

"Trident-rats are exactly the same." Sagitar nodded. He noticed with more embarrassment that she was still freakishly close to him, her face only inches away from his. Rasconza was about to pull back but his back was flat against the wall. He was cornered.

"Nevermind them," Rasconza said, "Now where were we?"

Sagitar leaned forward again pressing her mouth to his. Rasconza was only just starting to enjoy himself, thinking about the expression on Ublaz's face when he found out when there was a knock on the door.

Rasconza slid away from Sagitar, so annoyed that he was sure he'd beat Grooja up when he opened the door…

But when he did open it, there wasn't Grooja on the other side. Standidng there was a small, thin ferret of about thirteen, looking up a him.

Rasconza couldn't surpress a yelp of fear. It was Barranca! But how could it be? His brain kept telling him that his eyes were lying, giving him false information. He had killed Barranca himself. He'd seen his lifeless body fall to the ground, one of his own daggers protruding from the ferret's back. It couldn't be. There was only one explanation:

It was Barranca's ghost, come beack to haunt him!

To be continued… 

I forgot to leave a note at the end of my last chapter so read this one!

I know the whole "Now, where were we?" thing was really REALLY cheesy but you know that's me, Devil-gurl666, I have a way with repulsively cheesy dialogue, so expect more of it in later Episodes.

PLEASE READ & REVIEW!

**Devil's advocate says**: Hey don't forget about me! She couldn't have wrote it all on her own!

Thanx…


	3. The One With The Hot Corsair Chick

Here's episode three…

Disclaimer: I own ONE character. Yay! Does happy dance Tell me if you like her in your review…you better review…

**Devil's advocate: **What's with you and the "…"?

Shut up!…

Enjoy reading…

SWEET SAMPETRA: SEASON ONE 

**Episode 3: The One With The Hot Corsair Chick**

The news of what happened in the Captain's Cabin spread like a chain letter through Sampetra. Already by the next morning, which turned out being humid and scorching like every other day on the tropical isle, Ublaz heard the strange and heavily twisted tale from his newly installed secretary, Romsca.

"Groojaw said they were doing it in one of those hammocks he got off ebay," the former pirate captain informed him as she sat at her desk looking every inch the rich guy's secretary. At least she wasn't filing her nails, "according to him they weren't just making out", then seeing the look on the emperor's face she added, "but you know how Groojaw tells rumours."

But Ublaz wasn't the least bit reassured. He knew Sagitar too well to be reassured. So why had he employed an unpredictably reckless female like her? Merely because she had out fought every other Trident-rat, till she was second only to Lask Frildur. Nobody messed with the Monitor General.

"Have you seen her lately?", he asked, but he knew what the answer would be.

"Sagitar?", Romsca crossed her arms over her narrow chest in denial, "No".

He knew that the former corsair didn't like Sagitar very much. In her opinion she was just a smart-ass trident-wielding slut.

Ublaz got up from the chair he'd been sitting in, facing his secretary. He could have hypnotized her to see if she was lying, but she wasn't worth it.

"Thanks for the information," He fixed her with his strange eyes, "But I've got a Trident-rat to find."

Ublaz had a good idea where he'd find Sagitar. She could often be seen standing on the jetty, avoiding Lask Frildur. He smiled to himself. It seemed that Lask fancied her… but she was scared to death of him.

Spotting his quarry, he crept forward, his footpaws making not a sound on the usually creaky wooden dock. He liked to sneak up on her, not to scare her, (that was what happened most of the time) but to give himself that cool, freaky commanding air.

"Hello, Sagitar.", he said softly over her shoulder when he was close enough.

She whirled around. But the young emperor found that it wasn't his chief Trident-rat he'd snuck up on.

She was the most beautiful creature he'd ever seen (and that was something to say, because Ublaz, with his cash and abs, had gone out with more girls then most). Her bright emerald eyes were piercing against the silky midnight-black of her fur. It was obvious by the ragged open necked tunic she wore and her numerous body piercings (one he noticed in her exposed belly-button), that she was a corsair.

Most guys might have been tongue-tied, but not him. Ublaz was always cool, dangerous and under control. Never at a loss for words.

"Oh, you're not who I was looking for…", he said, then turned away, pretending to be uninterested. It got the desired effect.

"Wait.", the black rat replied, she spoke with a slight exotic accent that suggested she was Latino, "Are you the emperor Ublaz I've heard so much about?"

He paused. If she'd heard about him from the rebels, then that wouldn't be good news… Deciding to throw caution to the wind, he answered boldly:

"That I am. Why?" He started but at that moment he felt her slap him hard across the face.

Ublaz was shocked. He usually had a snappy or witty comeback at anything that anyone said or did but no one had ever slapped him before, especially a girl, and he was at a complete loss for words.

"What was that for?" He managed to say, still clutching his cheek, which was probably red under his fur.

She glared at him coldly.

"I've heard a lot of terrible things about you, Emperor," She said in that light, Spanish voice "Rasconza says you are nothing more than a corsair like the rest of us, who lied and cheated to become so rich and powerful. I believe the Rebel Leader."

Oh no, Ublaz thought, she's in league with the fox. This wasn't good.

He opened his mouth to speak, but she beat him to it.

"Now heed my words, emperor.", she leaned in close to him, her tone dangerous, "Rasconza _will_ put an end to your tyranny. I'll make sure of it."

With that she turned on her heel and strutted down the jetty away from him. Craig swooped in beside Ublaz.

"Gorgeous, isn't she?", the Trident-rat dreamily watched the black rat go, " I heard they call her Rinj."

"Rinj, eh?", Ublaz mused.

No clever female pushed emperor Ublaz around. Sooner or later he'd have that hot corsair chick for himself, he decided. He'd like to see the look on Rasconza's face when he heard a rumour about _that_. Yes, if what Romsca had said was true, he'd have his revenge on that skinny little po boy… he'd make sure of it.

"Are you sure he hasn't come back to haunt _me_?", Sagitar asked.

At the moment, her and Rasconza were crouched behind a few barrels of seaweed grog, on _Bloodkeel_'s bottom deck, spying on the supposed "ghost of Barranca" who was talking to Groojaw who didn't seem to think there was anything wrong with talking to a dead guy. Then again, you had to remember Groojaw wasn't exactly very bright.

"Remember, I was the one who killed him.", the fox eyed Groojaw suspiciously, "That traitor, he probably knew Barranca was alive all along."

And Sagitar had thought Groojaw was just dumb. _Goes to show just how smart_ I_ am_, she thought to herself.

She sighed. She didn't want to think about what had happened last night. Had she actually _kissed _that skinny rebel? Yup, and thanks to Mr. "Traitor", probably most of Sampetra knew about it! It was too much for one under-paid Chief Trident-rat to bear. So it was best to pretend it never happened. Sagitar was quite skilled in the delicate art of lying, so "_Me_ kiss _him_!", not to mention widening her eyes incredulously should do the trick.

"Wait, they're going somewhere…", she whispered, as Conva's kid brother and Groojaw made there way out the door, closing it firmly.

They waited a moment, then the Rebel Leader and Trident-rat crept forward. Sagitar closed a hand around the doorknob, and explained to the fox her plan, like it was a military tactic.

"Ok. When we get out keep close to the walls, and press yourself flat if either of them look bac…"

She stopped, for the door handle would not turn. She tried in the other direction, but to no success. A horrible realisation dawned on her.

Barranca had locked them in, they were trapped!


	4. The One With The Seaweed Grog

**Devil's advocate says:** Hello, hellooooooo! Devil-girl 666 is busy at the moment (so many souls to send to hell sigh) so I'm fillin' in.

_This_ is one of my fave episodes so I think you shall enjoy also!

I know you probably are biting your nails with anticipation to read chomp chomp so I'll make this short.

Disclaimer: Devil-girl or me don't known any ppl 'xcept Rinj, Craig and Melissa (who will be so masterfully introduced soon).

Read now!

**SWEET SAMPETRA SEASON ONE:**

**Episode 4: The One With The Seaweed Grog**

Barranca wasn't your average "dead guy". He was thirteen, short, a bit of a spaz, had a crush on his older bro's girlfriend, Captain Romsca, and was infact very much alive.

Despite all this, Barranca was happy. Long had passed the dark days when he'd walk in on Conva and the lovely Romsca making out in the _Waveworm_. Now, the small ferret was sitting on a _very_ sophisticated-looking swivel chair, his footpaws dangling about a foot above the ground, watching the wide screen of one of the video monitors where Sagitar and Rasconza where shown trapped in the storage room on the _Bloodkeel_'s bottom deck. The irony of it all was that the Rebel Crew captain himself, had had the spy-cameras installed in the ships rooms so he could amuse himself by peeking on unsuspecting pirates.

In Barranca's opinion Rasconza was a terrible Rebel leader. He was never making plans to destroy Ublaz, but rather always doing it with girls in the infamous Captain's Cabin. Rasconza also didn't deserve to captain the ship, the _Bloodkeel_ which happened to be the only love of Barranca's short life (apart from Romsca, that is).

"I'm _sooooo_ bored!", groaned Sagitar who was now pacing back and forth, "What if we're stuck in this tiny room forever? I'll go mad!"

Rasconza was sitting calmly on a long table in the middle of the storage quarters, watching her.

"Cool it, Sag. All we have to do is find something to do until someone come's in here to get some grog and finds us. Knowing my crew that shouldn't be too long from now."

"But what _can_ we do?", the Chief Trident-rat complained.

The fox's keen eyes searched around.

"We could uh… Drink some grog?"

She brightened immediately, "Yes! If I'm drunk I'll forget all about my misery!"

Barranca grinned. If you got a guy and a girl drunk in an inclosed space it was obvious what was gonna happen. You'd have to be a dumb-grey like Sagitar not to realise it.

They each took a glass of the highly alcoholic beverage then clanged them together in "Cheers".

"To getting out of this place.", Sagitar muttered.

"To being stuck in a storage room with the most beautiful Trident-rat.", Rasconza smiled his devious smile, and she glared at him coldly before taking a sip.

To Barranca it seemed like Rasconza was quite enjoying being locked up with her.

Suddenly, the Security Room's (Rasconza had pretended the spy-cameras were for security purposes) door swung open. A slim gorgeous black rat in corsair attire strode over to the monitor screen beside Barranca.

"Hey, sexy lady.", the ferret said.

"Shut up. You're only a kid.", the rat's emerald eyes narrowed as she examined the screen, "Is that the Captain Rasconza?"

"Why, yes. And _that _is Chief Trident-rat Sagitar."

"You mean she works for the emperor?"

"Uh huh."

"That bitch."

"No need to talk like that in front of the kid."

She shot him a poisonous look, "I'll talk how I like."

"Why are they drinking grog?", the searat wondered after much scrutinizing of the thin screen.

"'Cause they're dumb?", Barranca offered.

He'd said it as a joke, but she obviously took the jest too seriously. Before he knew it, she had her scimitar to his throat.

"Captain Rasconza isn't dumb.", she growled.

The small ferret raised his paws disarmingly, "Whoa, no need to threaten me!"

_Why do all the hot girls have to be so dangerous?_, He thought.

"You seem awfully loyal to that fox."

"He's a good leader.", she replied quickly, but Barranca thought their was more to it then that. Could she possibly fancy Rasconza? _Maybe._

Her gaze fell to the "security" monitor, and her eyes became very large.

"What the…?", she murmured.

Conva's kid brother leaned forward in his swivel chair, "Huh?"

Suddenly a dark paw clamped around his eyes, momentarily blinding him.

"Hey, let me see!", he clawed at her hand, but she was too strong.

"You shouldn't see this. It's obscenity."

"What's obscenity?", he stopped struggling.

"You don't want to know. Does Rasconza know there's spy-cameras?"

"Yup"

"Bastard!"

"I thought you liked him."

"Well…that doesn't mean he should screw Sagitar on live video footage!"

"That's what happens when the Sagsta gets drunk."

"_Ewwwwwwwwww_! That is so wrong. We've gotta do something!"

"What, like tell the whole Sampetra about this?"

"No!"

" It'll get Ublaz pissed."

This seemed to make her consider it, "Finally you've got a good idea, kid."

He glared at her, protesting; "I'm _not_ a kid!"

Sighing, Romsca rested her head on her hand, staring at the computer screen in front of her. The long hot days waiting to buzz people in through the tall black, electronic and vine-covered front gates to Ublaz's palace were making her bored out of her skull, there was nothing to do!

She was starting to think twice about becoming the emperor's secretary. The only reason she'd even decided to do it was simply because after she'd had that fight with Conva, she'd _had _to be such a drama-queen and say; "Fine. If you're madly in love with that trident-bitch (she'd seen him with Sagitar earlier, which was why the fight had started in the first place), then I'll go serve Ublaz." And how she'd relished that look of utter surprise on Conva's face, when she'd stormed off. Now, she wasn't relishing one bit being cooped up in the fortress, which had very bad air conditioning (you'd expect Ublaz, with all his money would do something about it, but he was always off somewhere drinking expensive wine with Sagitar and not caring about anything else in the world).

The former corsair captain sighed again. How she longed to be out at sea again, with the endless rolling waves…

A file popped up on the screen, it said "Urgent message from: (Barranca's e-mail address, god knows why)." Clicking the "read" button, she scrolled down the message, and this was what it said:

OMG! U'LL NEVER BEELEEVE WAT RINJ + ME SAW ON THE SPY-CAMERAS!

Romsca leaned forward over the keyboard, a slow smile playing on her lips continued down the e-mail. Picking up the wireless phone on her desk she dialled Ublaz's personal number.

"Hello? Sire, I've got very…_important_ news. I suggest you come down here as soon as possible."

**_To be continued…_**

A/N: Who knows what will happen in episode five? Well, me of course, duh, and Devil-girl 666 but whatever. _You_ will have to wait till me and her write it so hah!

Please R&R! Or I will hunt you down and make you at gunpoint… of course I'm just kidding, I would, I just don't have a gun.

All due respect,

**Devil's advocate. **And Devil-girl 666


	5. The One with Ublaz's Sinister Plot

A/N: Greetings!

I'm back to write the fifth episode so you don't have to read the crappy one written by my assistant –

**Devil's Advocate: **hey!

Devil-gurl666:

Heh…heh…just joking they're pretty good actually…she's still in training so they're still nothing compared to mine!

Enjoy…

SWEET SAMPETRA: SEASON 1 

**Episode 5: The One with Ublaz's sinister plot.**

Sagitar opened her eyes and closed them almost instantly. Her eyelids were as heavy as a heap of lead and her vision was swimming in front of her. She couldn't remember anything at all. Where was she? What had happened? She was utterly confused.

She tried taking a look around again. Even though she was extremely dizzy, she could make-out the _Bloodkeel_'s bottom deck storage room around her. At first she was still confused but then she noticed the small mountain of empty grog bottles piled in the corner of the room and last nights events came back to her painfully quick.

How could she have been so stupid? To have gotten drunk with Rasconza? Now she had an excruciatingly dreadful hangover and that skinny little po boy was lying somewhere on the storage floorboards, unconscious and totally wasted.

She had to get out of here, fast and hide the evidence. It was a good thing she'd woken up before anyone had found them.

Sliding on her infamous pink jean stilettos, she stuffed the empty alcohol bottles behind a barrel of seaweed beer and made what she hoped to be her great escape throught the door and towards the back of the ship were she could hopefully escape unnoticed. She was just about to slip out the back door and into a jolly boat when she heard a voice behind her.

" Sagitar, what are you doing on the _Bloodkeel?_ I thought that emperor dude employed you?"

Barranca was standing not a meter away, leaning on the door frame, that stupid I-know-something-you-don't-know grin plastered on his smug features.

"I was…um…" Sagitar raked her hangover-infected brain for an excuse. "I was …delivering something…um..yeah, delivering stuff."

"What were you delivering?" Baranca questioned still grinning dumbly.

"Um…uh," _Think, Sag, think!_ " … Pizza…I was delivering pizza for Groojaw." It was lame, but it was the best she could come up with at the moment and Barranca was so slow he'd probably actually believe her. She added: "And Ublaz doesn't exactly _employ _me because I don't get payed for working for him."

Baranca gave her a suspicious look, and she fervently hoped that he wouldn't ask Groojaw if she'd given him any pizza.

If she thought she'd had it bad on the _Bloodkeel _the chief Triden-rat had been very wrong indeed. As she paddled the jolly boat forward at a painfully slow pace with a mouldy oar, the haul shuddered and bumped, tossed about by the waves. She usually was unaffected by the sea, having sailed quite a bit, but with her senses considerably dulled by alcohol her face took on a greenish pallor and she gagged before leaning over the bow of the small boat and retching into the ocean. She instantly rejoiced when she looked up and saw the jetty not so far ahead. Though quickly she threw herself flat, accidentally rocking the boat so much she had to clutch the slippery sides. She was sober enough to remember that Lask Frildur would be prowling the dock restlessly at this time in the morning. If he caught her she'd have some serious explaining to do.

Poking her head up for about a millisecond she glimpsed the monitor General deep in conversation with a female lizard Sagitar recognised as Zurgat. _Finally he's found someone other than me to drool over_, she thought as she leaped out of the jolly boat and slipped soundlessly past the two of them. Dealing with the problem of the electronic black gates was the work of a moment. She scaled the twisted iron with the ease of much practise from previous ventures. It was so easy she was sure even a fool like Rasconza could've snuck his whole crew in the palace without being noticed. Not that Rasconza would do that, anyway—he was to busy getting drunk or whatever. She ignored the little voice in her head telling her that she also had gotten carelessly drunk.

Vaulting the gate, she tried a suave landing, crouched on all fours like catwoman or something, but she staggered back, almost loosing her balance. She decided to blame her favourite stilettos, and hurried across the manicured lawn, up the spiral stairs and to the fifth floor guestroom (because Groojaw had blown up her old room in the attempted "siege" of the palace not that long ago).

As she passed Ublaz's bedchamber she heard him speaking in a low confidential murmur, but his words were indistinguishable through the thick oak of the door. After a minute of desperate brain-racking for an excuse, she swung the door inwards, a little unsure if she should have gone in unannounced.

The emperor was slouched carelessly in his throne, his loafer-clad footpaws propped up on the table before him, one paw clutching his wireless phone to his ear, the other fidgeting with the collar of white polo shirt. It was obvious that he was up to something. A light was kindling in his pale hypnotic eyes and a smile kept hovering on his lips. When he saw his Chief Trident-rat he sat bolt upright, as though being discovered doing something sneaky, then quickly melted back into his usual cool-and-under-control facade, like her impromptu entrance hadn't surprised him.

"If you don't mind I'm in the middle of a very important phone call", he covered the receiver with one paw, "Can this wait?"

"Er…I guess", Sagitar mumbled.

"Good", he said with a brief nod in her direction, then returned to the apparently more important matter at hand.

She left the bedchamber, then broke into a run once she was in the corridor. Racing so fast she nearly tripped she reached to the guestroom and threw herself onto her bed, and snatched up her very own phone.

Ublaz wanted to save money, so every room in the palace had the same phone line. It wasn't so great for privacy, but awesome for eavesdropping—exactly what she had in mind. On one end she heard Ublaz's easily recognisable rich-boy drawl;

"…I can pay handsomely."

"Hmmm… alright. But I'm only doin' it for the do." It had to be Barranca. He was always quoting corny gangsta lines like that.

"So we have a deal?"

"Yup."

"Excellent," Ublaz practically purred.

She stifled a giggle. Ublaz sounded like such an evil villain—a hot one at that. She had no clue what he was planning but one thing was for sure. Something sinister was afoot, and Detective Sagitar Sawfang was on the case.

To be continued… 

**Devil's advocate says:** Episode 6 is going to be a very _interested_ chapter, so if you want to find out just what I mean by _interesting_ (and if you want to find out what Ublaz's sinister plot is of course), KEEP READING!


	6. the One with the Skinny Dipping

A/N: **Devil's advocate says: **_hola! _Hello mi ppl! This is the episode you've all been waiting for…D_rumroll please_…where our Ublaz (hottie emperor himself) reveals his sinister plot!

Hope y'all like it.

**SWEET SAMPETRA SEASON 1:**

**Episode 6: the one with the "skinny dipping".**

In the sweltering heat brought by the merciless mid-day sun, the corsairess, Rinj, watched the sleek silhouette that was the arrogant Emperor Ublaz through eyes narrowed with obvious dislike. She had heard from Rasconza (who said he'd heard it from a "reliable source" a.k.a. Sagitar Sawfang) that Ublaz was up to something, and the cunning fox captain also had confided her with a scheme he had concocted to unveil Ublaz's scheme. Rinj, of course had been all ears until she'd actually heard the plan.

"All you have to do", Rasconza had said, "Is work your little seductive spell on him so he," he grinned mischievously, " lost in your deep emerald eyes, will accidentally let his plot slip."

Frantic, she had come up with a hasty excuse she hoped would satisfy the captain.

"But what if it doesn't work?"

" I bet there's not a single guy on Sampetra who can resist you", she felt her face burn at the complement, "If this doesn't work, you can skin me alive and tell everyone Groojaw's my gay lover."

After Rinj had seen Rasconza with Sagitar on the spy-cameras (obviously doing a little more than kissing) she would have wanted nothing better than to skin him alive and tell everyone Groojaw was his gay lover. But, even though her loyalty remained faithfully true to the fox, she was not going to follow a scheme that involved her getting whisker to whisker with that rich bastard of an emperor—or so she had thought.

Taking a deep breath, and unbuttoning her tunic's neckline down a little she stepped forward and (_I so would never do this if it weren't for Rasconza_) she slid a paw on the pine marten's shoulder, whispering to him;

"And what is such a handsome emperor like yourself doing all alone on the jetty, my lord?"

Though he cast his gaze seaward, apparently impervious to her taunting him she could see by how he let her draw closer she'd succeeded with the "my lord" bit. She almost scowled, disgusted at how he took pleasure in her gilding him with such titles, like he had power over her. She could have snorted, _you wish._

"What ever happened to putting an end to my tyranny, Rinj ?", he coolly replied. His pale eyes searched her but she did not waver for even a moment. Since she'd arrived at Sampetra she'd heard corsair whisper fearfully of the one they called Mad-eyes. Of his stare that could bend anyone's will, to make them do his bidding. Rinj thought this was crap.

Reluctance squeezing at her, but with Rasconza in mind, she snaked her arms around his neck, "I like tyranny ", she flashed him a sultry look but paused a moment locked in his strangely hypnotic eyes… she attempted to avert her gaze but she couldn't look away…

"Why did you really come here?", Ublaz asked her.

To her own dismay, words rolled from her lips smoothly that she did not intend to let escape. She continued looking straight ahead, unblinkingly as though mesmerized.

"Rasconza suspected you were plotting something. He sent me to find out what."

"As I suspected," the pine marten seemed satisfied. He blinked, snapping the connection. Ublaz's sabre point caught the corsairess by the chin.

Though at first she was confused, his blade made a clear point; _she'd been discovered._

Straining for some excuse or explanation she knew hope was lost, perhaps Mad-eyes wouldn't even hesitate before slitting her throat…

Suddenly something small cannoned out of nowhere into Rinj's side. She teetered for a second on one footpaw before losing her balance and plummeting over the side of the jetty, and into the watery depths below.

"Er…no offence, Ublaz but it didn't look like things were going to well between you too," Barranca said as he peered at the ocean's once glassy clear surface which was now shattered by ripples and foam. Rinj's form was just visible beneath the waves.

Ublaz sighed, "No kidding.", then flashed Barranca a mischievous grin, "Nice work, kid."

"Well, the plan is the plan, boss, now it's time for your part."

The emperor's grin widened and he said in a mock-distressed tone:

"We've got a Latino beauty overboard Barranca, guess I might as well save her."

Conva's kid brother rolled his eyes, "Go get her, tiger."

Rinj felt as though the powerful current was squeezing the breath out of her lungs. She fought back, striking her arms and footpaws out behind her, and after a moment her head broke the surface, but not for long enough. When she opened her mouth she inhaled a mouth full of liquid that was sickly salty and laced with stringy seaweed. The tropical sea engulfed her once more, dragging her, kicking, into its watery embrace, until her oxygen-starved brain succumbed to the darkness that suddenly felt so welcoming.

With one arm around her waist, Ublaz pulled Rinj up onto the jetty. She gazed at him blankly for a second before slipping into unconsciousness with a groan, her head lolling forward onto his chest. He laid the water-logged black rat on her back, then looked up at Barranca for help.

"Hemlic manoeuvre?", he asked dubiously.

"That's for chocking, Ublaz. Now what _you _need to do," Barranca smiled impishly, "is a little thing I like to call mouth-to-mouth CPR."

The emperor's jaw seemed to unhinge itself.

"You serious?"

"Deadly."

Mad-eyes looked from Rinj's limp and sodden form to the ferret, then back to Rinj again.

Deciding the situation was desperate, Barranca said, "Unless you want me to do it, of course."

That got Ublaz moving. He straddled the wilted corsairess and leaned forward, then lifting her head up, he took a deep breath and, with his mouth to hers, he exhaled. Conva's little bro paced the dock as a sentry, as he was pretty sure what Sagitar would think if she saw the scene, and it definitely wouldn't be pretty. Ublaz forced another breath through Rinj's lips, but still she did not stir.

_He's probably enjoying every minute of it, _Barranca thought darkly. It was so unfair. Ublaz's life was already every pirate's fantasy, not to mention he had Sagitar all to himself. _That_, however, according to Rasconza, wouldn't last for long.

With a sputtering cough Rinj fluttered her eyes open. For a second her emerald gaze wandered, but then came to a rest on Ublaz, who still had his body pressing her down and his mouth a hairsbreadth from hers, and she, with a gasp, exploded into a torrent of rapid-fire Spanish that Barranca knew couldn't mean anything appropriate for his young ears to behold.

"Get off me, _puerco_, pig!", the Latino rat pounded on the young emperor's chest fiercely with her fists, trying to throw him off.

Ublaz slid off her and leaned on a dock stanchion, his eyes glinting with amusement, "Nice way to thank someone who just saved your life."

Rinj, who had jumped onto her feet and dusted herself off as though she had just been touched by something rather filthy, stopped dead, and looked up at him sharply.

"What?"

"You probably would have drowned if I hadn't got you out of there."

Her eyes were kindled with defiance as she spat, "_Callabero_ is what you think you are, Mad-eyes, a gentleman. But you are far from it."

With that she turned, her dark fur still slick with seawater, and marched haughtily down the jetty away from him. Barranca glanced at the pine marten with a bit of sympathy.

"You must be crazy, going for a chick like that. I gotta hand it to her, she's not only the hottest girl on Sampetra, but also the cruellest."

Ublaz, ever the optimist said, "Well, at least this time she didn't slap me".

Romsca had just about fallen asleep at her desk when she heard the familiar beep of an incoming e-mail. Rubbing her hooded eyes, then groping around for the mouse, she clicked on the window that had popped up in the corner of her apple-mac's screen. She groaned. It was from (a.k.a. Barranca). With great reluctance she opened the file.

OMG! Guess wat I saw when I went 4 a stroll on da jetty! No, not Rasconza making out with Sagitar again. RINJ SKINNY DIPPING WITH UBLAZ! Spread the rumour 2 every1 u can, or else!

Barranca.

Snatching up her desktop wireless, she muttered in a sleepy emotionless drawl, "Your Mightiness, this is Romsca. I've got some news I think you might want to know."

There was a sigh on the other end.

"O.K. What did Sagitar do this time?"

Swinging restlessly in his hammock, Rasconza's pondering was suddenly interrupted by a knocking on the captain's cabin window. He thought he was having something like _deja vu_ when he saw a female rat outside in a jolly-boat, soaked from head to footpaws—except this time it was not Sagitar but Rinj, and she was looking very, very murderous.

The rebel leader sat carefully back down in his hammock and was sure he probably wouldn't be sleeping too well tonight. Not to mention, he'd no doubt have a Latino rat trying to skin him alive the next morning, and have the whole Sampetra convinced that Groojaw was his gay lover.

To be continued… 

A/N: yeah , sorry about the whole "gay lover" thing, I am _not _a homophobe it's just that a random gay joke here and there are actually a little funny…in my opinion anyway.

I know I've got already one review but, yes I'm sorry to say, I will continue to pester you devoted readers about R & R –ing as all us aspiring authors do.

So review,

Devil-gurl 666


	7. The One With the Sexy Cloak

A/N: **Devil's advocate says: **Random fact: A duck's quack doesn't echo.

Devil-girl666: I _so_ needed to know that. Anyways, I'm sure what you all really want to hear about is what happens in episode 7, so: enjoy!

**SWEET SAMPETRA SEASON 1:**

**Episode 7: the one with the sexy cloak (a.k.a where Sagitar betrays Ublaz).**

A jubilant lark arose to greet daybreak, chirruping happily as she ascended the upper air before abruptly exploding in a ball of feathers and flame, fallen victim to Groojaw's hand-grenade target practice. Ublaz watched with a mirthless grin as the steaming remains of the bird plummeted earthwards. As the young emperor sat, stretched luxuriously with a goblet of his favourite melon vodka, on his infamous stack of timber (which was in fact no ordinary timber pile as it was equipped with a self-destruct system just in case it got into Rasconza's hands) he mentally went through the details of his _very_ ingenious plan to vanquish the Rebel Crew once and for all (evil laugh). So far it seemed flawless, with the small exception of Sagitar's bow-and-arrow skills, which were, well… atrocious.

Last night, in hopes of getting her to do some archery practise, he had carefully crept into his chief Trident-rat's lair; a sixth-floor guestroom artfully littered with perfumes, nail-polish bottles and whatever other hot-pink crap it was that chicks surrounded themselves with, and had fruitlessly attempted to nudge her into wakefulness. Sagitar, however, obviously having some spasmodic nightmare, had blindly lashed out and punched him in the stomach (and if one thing's for sure it's that Sagitar Sawfang punches pretty damn hard) sending Ublaz recoiling so fast he brained himself on an overhanging chandelier. This had left him with a very noticeable red lump poking through the fur on the back of his head.

Finally, with the help of some lizard muscle and much struggling and thrashing (on Sagitar's part), he managed to drag her up to the seventh-floor and thrust a bow into her paws. He had been pleased to notice that she hit the log (her target) twice and displeased to notice that she almost embedded her shafts in Lask Frildur's scaly head five times.

_At least she had made some progress_, he reassured himself as he watched Rasconza and his crew massing on the hills below. _It's time_, he thought, and he turned from his palace's high rampart and descended in the high-speed glass elevator, then marched purposefully forward to where Rasconza awaited him. The emperor was unarmed and only comforted with the notion that his lizards had their arrows trained on his enemy from their perches on the walltop (though when he looked back he saw General Lask Frildur was deep in conversation with Zurgat, and had his shaft pointing uselessly at the ground). Rasconza grinned his demented wolfish grin.

"So then, _your highness_, I understand you want peace. Kinda weird for the the ruler of Sampetra and pimp of the high seas, huh?", Several corsair sneered and chuckled at this, "But that's understandable as all you've had to deal with is retards and lizards."

The pine marten glared at the swaggering captain down his snout in his superior way.

"You may be a smart-ass, Rasconza, "but if I were you I wouldn't e so cocky."

Ublaz raised one paw, the signal for Sagitar and her Triden-rats to attack. Rasconza, ever the drama-queen, picked a small flower and sniffed it apprehensively.

"You're the one who shouldn't be so cocky, Mad-eyes. Why don't you look at that hill over there?"

Uneasiness clawed at the young emperor's gut. _Something isn't right…_

A fine figure, garbed in a silky long cloak and hood stepped out of the throng of wave vermin crowded on the hillcrest. Rasconza's lupine smile went up a few notches.

"Unsheet yourself for the mighty Ublaz."

The cloak slid away. Sagitar Sawfang stood in full view and (though Ublaz hated to admit it) damn, she looked dangerous. Her slinky frame clad in midnight black and her piercing azure eyes regarding him with cold mystery, he thought she looked something like one of the Bond girls from the 007 movies (except, you know, rat-ified).

"You see," Rasconza strode over to the former chief Trident-rat, "Your lovely Miss Sawfang has changed sides." He reached out and stroked her cheek. Wolf-whistles and jeering shot out from the corsair, and somewhere in the tropical woods, Groojaw attempted to set of one of his hand-made firecrackers, accidentally lighting an unfortunate palm-tree ablaze. Ublaz hardly noticed the commotion. He looked at Sagitar, who turned on one stillettoed heel, throwing him a deadly look over her shoulder before melting back into the procession of roistering sea vermin.

Rasconza's eyes hardened, and Ublaz could tell he wasn't teasing anymore, "Now even you're Trident-rats have deserted you. You're finished, Ublaz!"

Then, whipping out his dagger, the fox pounced.

Ublaz knew it had been coming. He may have been filthy rich and spoilt, but he hadn't become emperor of Sampetra for nothing. Dodging to one side he knocked the rebel leader flat with a clever blow on the back of his neck, then landed a swift kick in his side.

While his adversary lay, momentarily winded Ublaz gazed up at the wave vermin surging down the hilltop straight for him, and gulped back his fear. _Lask and his lizard archers will cover you when you make your escape, _he told himself, as he turned and dashed for the wall. With his paws pounding the earth like pistons, he might have made it if it hadn't been for his distracted Monitor General.

"Raise the portcullis, and let me in," the pine marten shouted, and Lask, who still had been flirting with Zurgat, dropped his martini in surprise at the sight of the corsairs pouring towards the palace gate.


	8. The One with Foxy Penelope

A/N: **Devil's advocate says: **if anyone has anything against duel identities then don't read this chapt—

Devil-gurl666 says: Damn it! Don't give it away!…well to the readers, just read the chapter and find out for yourself… (_to Devil's advocate)_ I'll deal with you later…

Enjoy!

**Disclaimer:** We now own 3 and a half characters! (Rinj, Craig, Mandy Who's introduced in this episode , and Foxy Penelope…sorta…)

SWEET SAMPETRA SEASON 1: Episode 8: The One With Foxy Penelope 

Rasconza, Captain of the rebellious Wave Brethren was a normally optimistic mammal. After months of resisting Ublaz's tyranny, the fox had come to the conclusion that you had to be fairly buoyant if you wished to attempt to overthrow an insane, moneyed emperor-pimp without hanging yourself in despair. But at the present time, the noose of rope that kept the _Bloodkeel _moored to the jetty was looking awful friendly.

Sure, all had seemed well after Sagitar's whole treachery scheme but Rasconza had come to realize that a not-so-bright teenage rat in hot-pink heels and a score or so of her always faithful male rat groupies weren't going to win him the war against the affluent pine martin.

And to only adjoin to these distressing revelations, the Rebellion had official ran out of food provisions. He had discovered this when he'd been lounging casually in his hammock (which he'd finally got the hang of sitting in), observing the calm, serene turquoise waters that encircled the Isle of Sampetra and he'd a raucous, ears-splitting screech erupt from the ship's galley.

Assuming it was a maiden in danger by the high pitch of the scream, Rasconza obeyed the conscience every male of the species possessed that was yelling at him to save the lady and sprang from his hammock, flitting through the _Bloodkeel's_ claustrophobia-inducingly narrow corridors while nearly killing Grewja as he surged past. In seconds he found himself standing in the galley's doorway.

"Is everything alrigh— he began but stopped in mid sentence because, to his utter dismay and repulsion, the "maiden" turned away from the open fidge in which she'd been looking in to reveal that she was not really a maiden at all—well atleast the ugliest maiden Rasconza had ever laid eyes upon— in other words, Barranca.

"Rasconza!" The ferret hissed. "We are in the midst of a crisis, why did you take so long to help?"

Rasconza frowned. "The same reason why you scream like a girl" He answered. "Now what's this so-called crisis?"

"It is…" Barranca began; the fox raised a questioning eyebrow.

"What's with the pause?" he asked. Conva's little bro gave him an exasperated look as if he was stupid. _Like _I'm _the stupid one, _Rasconza thought ironically.

"It was for dramatic effect, but you ruined it."

"Oh."

"Well, anyway, I think it's actually best if I show you."

Still melodramatic as ever, Barranca slammed open the fridge door while striking a pose. To Rasconza's horror it was completely empty. The spotless, plastic, white shelving was void of the usual leftover pizzas and six-packs—well more often _twelve_-packs—of seaweed grog that plagued the refrigerated compartments.

"Okay, shut up for a second" Rasconza told the teenage ferret who was in the midst of humming the music from _Psycho _obnoxiously. He fell into silence, though the fox could hear him sulking something about him having no appreciation for the performing arts.

"H-how did this happen?" The Rebel Crew Leader managed to stutter through his initial shock.

"My sources tell me that Ublaz apparently poisoned all the edible plant and fruit life on the rebellion's side of Sampetra and bribed the Domino's delivery guy not to come anymore." Barranca said in a conspiratorial stage whisper. Rasconza gave him a wry look

"_What _sources?"

"I have spies everywhere Rasconza" He said dangerously "Don't mess with the Barrankstah."

"Anyway, on a more important note," The fox continued, still feeling a little weirded-out by Barranca's suspicious behaviour "What exactly are we supposed to do so that we don't starve?"

"Oh, so now the almighty Rebel-leader needs the help of the dumb kid?" Barranca waited for him to come up with some witty come-back but he remained quiet. "Man, Foxy-Loxy, I think you're finally loosing your slyness, but I'll help you since I cannot let the rebellion fall into Ublaz's large, tendony hands."

"Yeah just don't call me _Foxy-Poxy _or whatever it was. So what _are_ we going to do?"

Barranca gave him one of what Rasconza liked to call "his stupid childish grins".

"Why, we do what all foodless miscreants do." Barranca pointed out the small, round side-window in the galley that gave a surprising good view of Mad-Eye's fortress. "We steal from the guy on top."

Night had settled upon the Isle of Samptera, filtering out all the long shadows of dawn and smothering the entire island in darkness. Cloaked by Ublaz's palace's gargantuan silhouette, Rasconza and Barranca slinked (or at least the fox slinked, Barranca sort of ambled) across the palm tree scattered hills that marked the Rebel Crew territory's border. Though their trek through the tropical forest was uneventful, the two eventual burglars soon encountered their first dilemma at the palace gates, where the creepy Lask Frildur lurked amidst the pallid mist, his pale reptilian eyes restless.

"Okay, here's the plan," Rasconza whispered after a moment's pause, obviously very proud of how clever he was, "You come up behind Lask with a big stick and hit him repeatedly on the head till he drops, while I sneak into the fortress and grab the grub."

Barranca looked genuinely puzzled, "But what if he wakes up again?"

"Then hit him again."

"And if he wakes up again?"

"Then hit him"

"And if he wakes up again?"

"Then hit him!"

And if he wakes up again?"

"Then hit him!"

"And if he wakes up again?"

"Then hit him!"

"And if he—"

"THEN HIT HIM GOD DAMMIT!"

"Okay, okay geez…"

Groping around the ground for a moment, Conva's little bro finally clutched a rather broad branch, and, wielding it in both paws above his head and with a hollering shout, rushed forward to where Frildur's shadow was barely visible in the fog.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"

_Whump_.

Silence, then… Barranca did a little victory dance of joy.

"Oh yeah, oh yeah, I got him! Oh yeah, Oh yeah…"

"Shut up, little freak," Rasconza passed him and clambered over the black, vine entangled gates, then dropped noiselessly into the dark courtyard, leaving Barranca to stake-out at the lizard's limp form.

As the fox tiptoed through the palace grounds, an odd suspicion bristled his fur. It was way too easy, surely even a horny maniac like Ublaz wasn't stupid enough to post only Lask Frildur as a sentry. He shook his head. He was probably just getting paranoid, according to Barranca it happened when you were the "head honcho" for too long. Whatever, who cares what that retarded little ferret said anyways.

Rasconza forced his way (with some difficulty) through the heavy oak double front doors with a thunderous crash that made him freeze in mid step. Someone must have heard _that_, he winced, as the raucous bang echoed off the high vaulted ceiling, making a crystalline chandelier shudder. But he heard no approaching footsteps, or voices, and after waiting for what he deemed a sufficient amount of time he ascended the grand marble staircase with one paw resting on the banister, feeling every inch like the royalty he so obviously was not.

However, he was so indulged in his fantasies of wealth and fame that he did not notice Ublaz's personal servant, Mandy, (who the mad-eyed emperor was rumoured to have had an affaire with, but then again didn't he have an affaire with every girl, in Groojaw's opinion?) shuffling timidly down the ivory-stoned stairwell. With his head in the clouds, the fox dreamily drifted right into the unfortunate stoat, who gave a piercing scream at the sight of the rebel fox and proceeded to wrench an ornate torch from it's wall-brazier and brandish it threateningly at him.

"Stay away, you…er…ruffian!"

Rasconza decided to try to coax her into not raising the alarm, "I won't do you—uh, I mean do _anything _to you, just let me go by and…", he put on his best roguish freebooter look (a.k.a. his "game face"), "…And no-one needs to get hurt."

Mandy appeared anything but reassured with her eyes wide and her trembling paws still clutching the torch tightly. The rebel leader had held his tongue so long before curiosity got the better of him.

"Hey, what were you doing up in the emperor's private quarters anyway?"

She faltered considerably before answering defensively, "What business is that of yours?" then with a triumphant smile she pulled out a sleek walkie-talkie from her flirty little maid's-dress and muttered;

"Intruder alert, we have a rebel in the building."

Before Rasconza could say "stupid-little-biotch", he was surrounded by a score of armed-and-dangerous Lizard Monitors with snipers aimed at his heart…

Barranca's boredom was overtaking him. Where was the fox anyway? How long did it take a guy to run inside, snatch a meal from the fridge and run back out again? Though these thoughts were running through the ferret's mind, he didn't get the suspicion that the plan was going astray. Not, that is until he decided to take a better look the unconscious form of Lask Fridrul.

To his dismay, instead of finding himself staring at the hideous, scaly, reptilian face of Ublaz's top Monitor Lizard, he found himself goggling wide-eyed at the ratty, overly-buff features of second-in-command Trident-rat Craig, and his grotesque lip-piercing.

"Man I'm in a lot of shit when Rasconza finds out." He gasped. He heard steady footsteps approaching from the northern entrance to the Castle. He threw himself in what he thought was a cool super-sleuth-ish manner behind the nearest shrub just in time to see Lask himself, perfectly conscious, come sauntering acrossthe courtyard with a sceptically moving, struggling body-bag in tow. His worst fears were confirmed when a fiery red fox tail poked out of the sac's top.

"Nevermind, guess Rasconza's the one in a whole lot of shit now." Remarked Barranca, hiding an apprehensive yet mocking smirk. His grin evaporated instantly though as Craig began to stir, his eyes flickering.

_Time for me to make my great escape,_ Barranca thought. He'd have to regroup and come back for Rasconza later.

The ferret climbed the black iron tangles that made up the front gate and dropped over the other side, running as fast as his short legs could manage towards the infamous border of palm trees. He only paused for a moment when a sudden blissful thought occurred to him.

_Now that Rasconza is captured, that makes _me _the temporary leader of the Rebel Crew._

He literally skipped back to the _Bloodkeel _in his merriment.

He pushed open the door that led into the crews' quarters to find Groojaw seated unaccompanied at one of the long tables. The pyro-ferret looked up at Barranca bemusedly.

"Why so smug?", the expression on his features suggested he thought Barranca had gotten lucky with some chick or something. Conva's kid bro could have snorted, _Yeah, in my dreams, Groojaw._

"Guess who got promoted to Rebel Leader."

"I got no clue. Wait, let me guess… Sagitar turned on Rasconza and killed him and now she's the new leader?"

"No, _I'm_ the new head honcho!"

Groojaw gave him a mock congratulatory thumbs-up and said in a monotone drawl, "You dawg."

"I know, isn't it great? Finally I get my revenge on that Foxy-loxy! _Muhahahahahahahahahahaha!_"

Groojaw rolled his eyes, "We're all gonna die."

A sudden scream shattered the silence followed by a deafening crash from the captain's cabin. Barranca rushed over to the door, but Groojaw slid infront of him, barring his way.

"You don't want to go in there."

"Why not?"

"Okay, you know Sagitar can be really fierce sometimes, right?"

"No kidding."

"Well, her and Rinj are having a cat-fight in there."

"Whoa, that's not gonna be pretty. But why?"

"I don't know. Something to do with the "grog-and-table-incident"…"

Barranca gave a knowing smile. "Oh, that.," then twisted it into a determined scowl. _Time for me to be the debonair gentleman who saves these damsels-in-a-mess. _

"Onward my dear pyromaniac, into the fray!" Barranca swung the captain's cabin door open, and was greeted by Rinj smashing an antique china pot on his head (what an antique china pot was doing in Rasconza's quarters was absolutely beyond him).

The Latino rat's emerald eyes shot him a poisonous glare, "Keep out of this, little worm," she ducked and Sagitar's trident-prongs embedded in the wall where her head had been moments ago.

"Stop fighting over me, it's too distressing!" Barranca called, and the two of them froze, the ex-chief trident-rat raising a juke-box over her head, ready to be hurled, the corsairess clutching a picture frame infront of her, as a shield.

Both spat at Conva's little bro, perfectly synchronized as though rehearsed, "WE'RE NOT FIGHTING OVER _YOU_!"

Barranca folded his arms over his narrow chest, matter-of-factly, "You're just both in denial. Well anyways, Rasconza's being held prisoner by Ublaz, and killing each other isn't going to help his situation."

They gazed at him blankly for a while, before Sagitar jumped up, a mischievous smile crossing her features.

"I've got a plan!"

"Hold on," Rinj examined the picture (one Conva had taking a while ago of Sagitar standing with one arm around Rasconza's lean shoulders), then cast it disdainfully on the floor, "If you're going to save him, I'm coming too."

Sagitar flashed Rinj a smile Barranca could only describe as"frightening".

"Oh, you can tag along if you want, skank. That is, if you can keep up with me."

The black rat's only response was a defiant toss of her head.

Barranca decided to break the ice, "So what's this ingenious plot of yours, Sag?"

The former trident-rat leaned close, and whispered it to him. He couldn't say that he didn't relish her lips being so close to his ear. By the time she had finished explaining he felt a grin twitch on his features.

Sagitar slinked off to her room, saying she'd be back, and leaving Groojaw, Rinj and Barranca in a suspenseful silence. After what seemed like an eternity, with everyone getting very agitated (Groojaw was tapping his foot, Rinj was cursing profoundly in Spanish and Barranca had started humming the Starwars theme song very loudly), A figure casually entered the captain's cabin.

She was a vixen of bold, fiery red fur with tar-tipped ears and tail. She cut a sleek, sultry figure, in an outfit of black leather with matching cat-boots. Conva's little bro thought the best way to put her appearance was as, well… foxy.

"Sagitar…?" He asked sceptically.

"I was her," she slipped off her elongated muzzle to reveal that it was actually fake, then re-adjusted it, cocking one hip seductively.

"But for now the name's Penelope. Foxy Penelope."

To be continued… 

A/N: Devil-gurl666 says: Will Sagitar be able to save Rasconza from the clutches of the evil (and dead sexy) Ublaz? Or will the emperor see past her ingenious desguise? Well if you can't take the suspense then...tough, 'cause Chapter 9 ain't up yet!…

**Devil's Advocate says:** I think Rasconza's hotter then Ublaz (I always like those roguish bad boys).

Devil-gurl666 says: (sigh) geez, when will my fateful advocate learn that it's the rich bastards that will get you somewhere, not the skinny little po guys…(shakes head sadly) oh well…


	9. The One with the Bulletproof Bra

Devil-gurl666 says:WARNING, this episode contains a rich, spoilt (But very hot if I may say so) bastard in boxers, violence (as in someone being beaten with a fake Louis Vuitton purse), a very wrong moment between Sagitar and Rasconza, and a deeply peverted lizard monitor. VIEWER DESCRETION IS ADVISED.

**Devil's advocate says:** Call us strange, but crude humour is our expertise, so bear with us, and

Enjoy!

**SWEET SAMPETRA SEASON 1:**

Episode 9: The One with the Bullet-proof Bra 

It had been at a very early hour in the morning when the strange visitors had arrived. Ublaz had been deeply submerged in the warm folds of sleep, and lost in the most absurd of dreams.

It had stared out quite good, actually. He had lain entangled in the gorgeous Latino rat, Rinj, on the beach of a tropical island paradise of white sands and clear azure waters, locked in her fierce, passionate kiss…when suddenly a purple pelican with Barranca's head dropped from its perch on a tall, but bizarrely crooked palm-tree.

"We've got a search-warrant! We've got a search-warrant!", the violet pelican cawed repetitively, as it pecked Ublaz's eyes out, and Rasconza and Sagitar, both transformed into hermit-crabs laughed raucously at him, "We've got a search-warrant! We've got a search-warrant!" …

The emperor eyes snapped open. His breath was coming out in short, sharp, pants and sweat dampened the fur on his forehead. _It was only a dream_, he reassured himself, _the creepy Barranca-pelican's not going to eat you alive…But, he wouldn't have minded it if Rinj's alluring taste, fresh on his tongue, had been real…_

The heavy oak doors of his bedchamber slammed open without so much as a warning nock, sending a narrow shaft of white light searing his eyes. Ublaz sat bolt upright, _who the hell do they think they are, barging in on me like that? _After much squinting, he made out Romsa's narrow figure in the doorway.

"Your Mightiness, we have visitors at the gates. Should I let them in?"

He abruptly realised why the former corsairess raised an eyebrow at him when she spoke. Feeling very self-conscious at the thought of her keen eyes wandering over his merely boxer-clad body, he retreated (with as much dignity as he could still retain) under the forgiving cover of his Egyptian cotton bed-sheets.

"Er… who are they, Romsca?"

"Maybe you should come see for yourself," she paused to flash him a playful smile, "That is of course, after you have dressed yourself, Sire."

He felt his cheeks burn with utter shame.

By the time Ublaz viewed the visitors on the mammoth plasma TV hooked up to the spy-cams at the palace's main gate, he was sure he must still be trapped within his disturbing dream. Leaning "at ease" on one of the gate's ivory stoned pillars was a striking vixen with an almost comical detective-trench coat draped over her sleek frame, and a short little lemming wearing a tiny black fedora, at her side, brandishing a rather large magnifying glass before him.

Holding the intercom's receiver up to his mouth, the young emperor gazed perplexedly at the two puzzling individuals.

"What brings you to my fortress?"

It was the miniature lemming who answered, in a heavy, derisory Scottish accent,

"Oi, mah lad, the name's Detective Herbert Scruffogolopomus, and this 'ere's mah luvely assistant Foxy Penelope…"

"But you can call me Penelope," the vixen winked at him, and Ublaz fought hard not to blush for the second time that morning, he wasn't about to fall smitten for this foxy, yet suspicious female.

"What's your purpose here, Mr, uh…Scruffogomy , or whatever?"

"It's Scruffogolopomus, lad. We're here to investigate the murder of Sir Radovick Von Stoopovick," then he said something that made Ublaz shiver, "We've got a search-warrant."

However sceptical he was of these shady characters, perhaps if he invited them into his palace he would discover more of their true intent. Of course it wasn't like his hospitality had anything to with Foxy Penelope's tempting enticement, he was almost sure of that…almost.

"I know nothing of this "Von Stoopovik" guy, but you are welcome within my castle," he mechanically buzzed the twisted black gates open, and the plasma screen went blank. Then he swivelled in his chair, cool-freaky-dangerous-like, to face Lask Frildur seated next to him.

"Please keep a close eye on our guests, General. We wouldn't want them getting into any trouble, now would we?"

"Where were you when the crime took place?", Sagitar peered over her notepad at an extremely agitated looking Craig, who at the moment was being prodded and searched by Barranca, disguised as a Scottish lemming. She'd had doubts about the little ferret's scheme to masquerade as detectives, but now, just watching the usually composed and conceited trident-rat shuffling fearfully under Barranca's harsh inspection she knew this was deffinately worth it.

"I swear I didn't kill him, I've never done anything against the law, honest!"

Sagitar raised an eyebrow, "Then why, when we looked on your file, did we discover you have a criminal record for property theft?"

"Property theft!" Craig looked at her incredulously.

_Yeah, like the time you stole my Maybelline Mascara for that servant-bitch Mandy,_ she thought darkly.

"I don't want to go into the details, Mr…", She then faltered realising she didn't know his last name, "…Mr. Craig. What I want to know is, have you been a bad-boy lately?"

She leaned in closer, hoping to be intimidating. This obviously had the wrong effect, for he grinned and whispered to her beguilingly;

"I'll be bad if you want me to, babe"

Sagitar opened her mouth to reply, but was cut off when Barranca snatched her fake Louis Vuitton purse and swung it like a flexible club at Craig, sending him recoiling backwards, clutching his face.

"Uh…thanks." She said, and Conva's little bro tipped his black fedora to her.

"Anytime, lassie, anytime."

This time in slow-mo, Ublaz re-watched the video clip of the miniature lemming clouting the unfortunate trident-rat with the purse, a broad smile crossing his handsome features. A reptilian slither behind him alerted him of his monitor lizard general's approach.

"What is it, Lask?", he momentarily paused the footage. Frildur entered with Scruffogolopomus and Foxy Penelope at his back.

"The detectivez are wondering if they can zearch the Monitor Barrackz below, your Mightinezz."

The emperor pondered it for a moment. The investigators posed no threat of setting Rasconza free as they did not posses the keys to the dungeons, and the locks were un-pickable. Foxy Penelope flaunted him a quick smile…

"Alright."

Lask led them down into the unpenetrable barracks, Ublaz reclined felinely in his swivel chair, letting his hypnotic gaze return to the video monitor's screen, which had frozen to exhibit Foxy Penelope. But as he beholded her, in all her enthralling vulpine beauty, something most strange caught his eye. On her feet she wore (clashing quite conspicuously with her flaming red fur) a pair of hot-pink jean stilettos he quite easily recognised.

As they followed Fridrul down the gloomy, dreary stone staircase that seemed to spiral endlessly downward into the ebony shadows of Ublaz's prison Foxy Penelope (a.k.a. Sagitar) squeezed Barranca's arm to get him to slow down that they could talk without Lask eavesdropping.

Unfortunately, the ferret was taken by surprise and nearly jumped a mile while letting out a loud shriek as soon as Sagitar barely touched him.

"Nice work, Sherlock. So you got us into the Monitor barracks but now what? We have no way of picking the locks or anything and no brilliant scheme of saving Rasconza." She whispered. "Oh, yeah, and you scream like a girl."

Barranca winced. "Seriously, you and Rasconza are perfect for each other. You're like his female clone, only hotter."

"Whatever." Said Sagitar, which was what she always said when she didn't have a snappy response.

"You're just saying that 'cuz you know it's true."

Penelope growled. Why, out of all beasts, did she have to be stuck in the monitor Barracks with the most annoying rodent on the planet, Barranca? She almost rather would be carrying out the plan with Rinj or Groojaw. No, not _Groojaw._ If she were with him, they probably wouldn't even make it into Ublaz's courtyard without him blasting them to smithereens. Though she hated to admit it, maybe Barranca was the best choice after all.

Down in the barracks the only source of light were the dim torches that were set in the jet-black, iron torch-holders nailed into the stone walls. Sagitar stuck one stilettoed foot-paw out, about to enter the hall that led between the barred cells when Lask stepped in front of her, barring her path.

Foxy Penelope moved to the left, hoping to slide past him, but he moved to.

"I muzt zearch you for weaponz or pickz before you may enter the barrackz." The monitor lizard grinned maliciously. "Ublaz'z orderz."

Sagitar shivered. The though of that reptilian freak running his scaly hands all over her repulsed her. Just then, she felt Barranca press something cold and metallic into her paw from behind; she recognized it by it's shape immediately: it was the key for Rasconza's cell. Barranca had snatched it from Craig while he'd been whacking him with her purse.

_Nice timing, Barranca,_ she thought wryly, _just when I'm about be searched by this lizard creep._

"I have nothing to hide" she lied "There's no need for a search."

Lask pulled out a metal detector from what seemed like out of nowhere. "You either let me zearch you both, or you may not pazz."

_Guess I don't have an option._ She sauntered forward a few paces, sliding the key into the only where there was a hope of it not being found, down her bra. She stuck out her arms vertically, in the position people normally took up when being checked at an airport.

The monitor General sly grin remained plastered on his face as he put down the metal-detector and began patting her down with his '_scaly_' hands, checking for anything hard that might be a concealed weapon.

_He's probably enjoying every moment of this, _Sagitar thought, _what a perv. _

All the while Barranca stood watching, as if he was completely innocent and this was not at all his fault, fighting back laughter by pretending to have a particularly violent coughing fit. Not even her fierce, icy glare could silence him. It became almost unbearable when Lask got to her lower back and Barranca started snorting. She had to stop Lask before he went any lower.

"That's enough." She said, slapping him away.

Sagitar was relieved. She was actually convinced they'd get away with this whole, hair-brained heist until Lask's metal detector started beeping like nuts as it past over her chest.

"What are you hiding there, fox?" He asked, eyes hooded with suspicion.

Penelope stuttered, trying to think up a satisfactory excuse. "It's..umm.. my bra…yeah, my bra's bullet-proof. You can never be too careful these days." _Smooth, Sag, very smooth._

Lask still didn't look very convinced, but he let her pass.

After searching Barranca, who made a way to big deal over the fact that the lizard wouldn't let him take his magnifying glass in with him, he let them in.

" But I need it to examine the evidence!" He protested, then to Sagitar, in a stage whisper, said "These lizards of Ublaz's are thicker than I thought, I mean what a dummy! It's not like you can fit the end of a magnifying glass into a key-hole"

"At least he let us be alone, I was afraid he'd stand there keeping his little reptilian eyes on us the whole time, ughh!" Sagitar shivered again.

"Dude, you have some serious lizard issues."

"Whatever."

They inspected the filthy cells through they're thick iron bars as best they could, trying to appear convincing for Ublaz's spy-cams. As she proceeded, visiting chamber after deserted chamber, anxiety clutched Sagitar harder and harder in it's grip. _What if Ublaz has already murdered Rasconza?_ No, she knew despite his charming exterior the emperor of Sampetra could be very cruel. He'd have wanted to torture Rasconza by taking his freedom and leaving him to rot in a prison…then have him killed slowly and painfully.

But just when her hope started flickering, she found none other than the sly Rebel Leader stretched on dry hay-cot in the last cell, apparently fast asleep.

"Rasconza!", she hissed and the fox groaned and sat up, rubbing his eyes groggily.

"Who the—", he started than saw her and a dreamy look drifted onto his features, "Whoa, who are you?"

"Your grandmother," her voice dripped with sarcasm, but then, seeing the horror stricken look on his face she added, "it's Sagitar, you idiot!"

"Sag you look…damn fine."

"Never mind that," she turned away, so he wouldn't see her blushing, "I'm gonna get you out of here."

"Yeah, _how_ exactly?"

"Well, I've got the key."

"Really, how'd you get it past Lask Frildur?"

"Uh…about that…", she sighed, then moved in as close to him as the iron bars would permit her and whispered, "Reach down my bra."

"Wha…", Rasconza looked up at her in shock, "Did you just say what I thought you said?"

"The key's down there, Rasconza."

"Oh. Won't it look kinda suspicious if I just reach up your shirt suddenly?"

"I don't know. Just…"

"Just what?"

"….Act like we're making out or something, and then you…" she felt her face growing very hot.

"Reach up your shirt?", he finished dubiously.

"Look, Rasconza. Do you want to get out of here, or not? 'Cause I can just go, and leave you in this hell-hole or whatever."

He stood and slid his face through the bars, she froze as she felt his paws on her waist.

"Believe me, Sag, you're not going anywhere," and he found her mouth with his, kissing her deeply. An odd shiver shuddered through her as his body pressed to hers…

"You're only supposed to _pretend_ to kiss me!", she gasped, wrestling her lips away from him.

"Geez, relax. Ublaz'll think I'm trying to molest you or something."

"Yeah, that's what it feels like at the moment."

"You don't mean that, Sag. You know you were enjoying it."

She pulled her arms around his neck, and touched the tip of her fake snout to his, "Shut up a moment."

Emperor Ublaz was starting to get seriously suspicious of this Scrufolompa-guy and his striking assistant the Foxy Penelope character. He'd always thought they were strange, but what had really made him start thinking was the whole Penelope-wearing-the-pink-jean-stiletto-thing. Sagitar was constantly confirming to him that they were vintage and that they were the only pair ever fabricated.

Well, either she was lying, or Foxy Penelope wasn't exactly who she said she was.

"Mightiness!"

Craig came scrambling into his bedchamber, lung's heaving as if he'd run a marathon even though he'd really only ran down the hall. For his six-pack and all his buff-ness, the trident-rat sure wasn't very athletic. It just proved Ublaz's theory that Sagitar's rat posse was a bunch of guys on steroids.

"Yes, what is it?"

"I think there's something you'd like to see."

Ublaz followed Craig into the security room. He pointed to one of the security cameras on the far right. Ublaz saw something he definitely _didn't _like seeing.

The screen depicted Rasconza and Penelope ensnared in a passionate kiss while the Rebel leader was reaching his paw up her detective trench coat.

"Free porn" grinned the trident-rat.

Ublaz groaned, "Wow, well woop-dee-doo" He said, with more than a hint of sarcasm in his voice. He tried to keep himself composed, while inside he was seething with anger. Damn fox. He'd already got Sagitar drooling all-over him, and now Penelope. Ublaz would have strangled him. He seriously would have, if it hadn't been for the fact that something on the security cam caught his hypnotic eye and distracted him.

"Craig, freeze the image and zoom in on Foxy Penelope's stomach for a second."

Craig gave the Emperor an odd look, but obliged, highlighting the chosen area and pressing down the zoom button.

"Just as I thought." Ublaz smirked. Where Rasconza's paw was reaching, the other fox's shirt had gone up to reveal some _grey _fur.

"Tell me, Craig, what kind of '_fox_' has orange head and paws but a grey furred body and wears pink-jean stilettos?"

Since Craig, who wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer, as Barranca put it, still didn't get it, Ublaz decided he'd just have to say it himself.

"A Sagitar in disguise fox."

Ublaz had always thought there was a strange likeness between Foxy Penelope and his ex-chief-trident-rat, and now, he finally understood why. _How could you have been so dumb, dude? _said the annoying Barranca in his head that had somehow replaced his conscience.

Then the second thing hit like a ton of bricks, painful. If Foxy Penelope was Sagitar then the detective Scrufolopo-_thing _must be …

Barranca had still been fruitlessly inspecting thickly dust-carpeted cell when he noticed Sagitar's disappearance. _Oh no, maybe she was abducted by Lask Frildur, _he thought as he ran the length of the Barrack's corridor yelling,

"Sagita—I mean, Foxy Penelope! Foxy Penelope!"

He rounded a corner, then stopped dead in his tracks.

_Never mind, she's been abducted by _Rasconza… _again._

"Lovebirds! How about sticking your tongues down each other's throats when we're _not_ in enemy territory!"

Sagitar shot him a look, whispered something to the Rebel Leader, then drew away.

"I was only—_Shit._"

Barranca followed her gaze to where Craig, Ublaz and Lask Frildur were descending the dungeon stairs, and they didn't look like they were here for tea and crumpets.

"We've been ratted out, boys," Conva's little bro muttered, darkly.

Before any of the discovered rebels could react, Ublaz's sabre point pinned Sagitar back against the cold chamber wall, Lask held a struggling Barranca upside-down by his ankles and Rasconza (who had twisted the key in it's lock and slipped out of his cell) and Craig circled each other, eyes narrowed with contempt.

With a quick swipe Penelope's fake muzzle was knocked to the floor. Sagitar flashed Ublaz a seraphic smile.

"I can explain."

_**To be continued…**_

A/NDevil-gurl666 says: Hope you weren't too disturbed, or scarred for life, or whatever.

**Devil's advocate says: **And thank you to those who gave us reviews (You guys won't burn in hell like the rest of those damned fanictioners! )


	10. The One With the Lizard Ninjas

Devil-gurl666 says:Ublaz, as we all know, is very _very_ rich, and because of that he should have some sort of odd creatures for bodyguards…

**Devil's advocate says:** UNLEASH THE GIGANTIC, RADIO-ACTIVE SQUID!

Devil-gurl666 says: ………how about no.

**Devil's advocate says:** Freakish, bearded, man-ladies?

Devil-gurl666 says: Don't think so. Let's just let the readers find out for themselves, shall we?

**Devil's advocate says: **Fine. (_Goes off somewhere to sulk_)

SWEET SAMPETRA SEASON 1: Episode 10: The One with the Lizard Ninjas 

Rinj was very, _very_, pissed. The Latino corsairess flaunted her fowl mood without hesitation. She was always either brooding ceaselessly in the dingy confines of the dismal little room she had claimed as her kingdom, or prowling haughtily the _Bloodkeel_'s decks, swearing mercilessly and profoundly at any innocent bystander who dared get in her way. (This included the horny pizza-delivery guy who had decided to come back after spying her one night, dressed merely in a flimsy, scandalously short, and almost see-through nightdress.) Even Groojaw had fruitlessly attempted to comfort her by offering to blow up her voo-doo doll of Sagitar Sawfang, but she had only muttered mordantly;

"I want her to die slowly and painfully."

Finally, boredom over-took the wily she-rat and she'd abandoned Barranca's much-adored vessel to take a leisurely stroll across the tropical backdrop of Sampetra, or as she'd put it to the other rebel: "Go find out what that hell is taking Barranca and that bitch Trident-rat so long."

"You mean Foxy Penelope," Corrected Grooja quietly, though he had to run quickly to the safety of _Bloodkeel _to avoid Rinj giving him a particularly nasty piece of her mind.

"If anyone," She murmured angrily to herself as she stalked across the palm tree line that divided the Island, "So much as _mentions_ Foxy Penelope to me one more time, I'm not even gonna hesitate before kicking his sorry ass."

Her emerald hued eyes raised to rest upon Umblaz's magnificent fortress, as majestic as ever with it's formidable towers and turrets, crouched warily like some giant beast on the very crown of the grassy knoll that stood directly in her path.

She sighed. The best she could hope for was that the ferret and that rat's plan had been successful, and that Rasconza was safe and sound.

_I bet Rasconza will be _ecstatic _when she arrives to rescue him, _she thought bitterly. She could see it now… Rasconza giving Sagitar a passionate kiss (cringe) in thanks for her 'valorous' deed while Barranca pretended to look away in childish disgust, though secretly looking (the perv).

"You're the best, Sag" Rasconza would say after they broke away and she would ask innocently:

"What about Rinj?"

"Rinj? Rinj _who?_" he'd reply and they'd burst out laughing

White-hot rage jabbed at Rinj like a hot poker. Rasconza had been drooling over Sagitar before, but now that she'd got all _fox-ified, _she'd be positively irresistible in his eyes.

Hushed whispering and giggling intruded on her thoughts. She quickly slinked out of site, into the shadow of a voluminous bush, as a coyly smiling Zurgat and one of her female lizard cronies meandered nonchalantly past her.

"Omigod, Zurgat, did Lask _really _azk you out?"

Zurgat's cheeks blushed scarlet behind their usual jade scales and her shy smile widened. "Oh, let'z not talk about that…"

Rinj rolled her eyes, somewhere between irritated and disgusted. _Lask Frildur is the Flesh-eating-lizard hottie? You've got to be kidding me._

"Omigod, he did, didn't he?", the other lizard monitor pressed on.

Zurgat relinquished, but her modest grin instantly vanished, "Well, he zaid he liked me, but he wazn't really ready for a relationzhip or anything."

Her friend snorted, scoffing, "Not ready for a relationzhip? My azz! He probably ztill'z chazing after that filthy little rat girl. Perzonally, I'd like to zee her roazted at one of Ublaz'z big banquetz."

_I couldn't agree more,_ Rinj thought to herself darkly, as the two monitors guffawed, a terrible high-pitched, rasping, slithering sound. She was just about to slip past them, when Zurgat's associate spoke once more, and this time, her words were of the corsairess's interest.

"Oh, you know how Ublaz had thoze vizitorz, that tazty-looking little leming, and that fox?"

"Uh huh."

"I heard off Fanny, who heard off Judith, who heard of, Zamantha, who heard off Hubert, who heard off Zally, who heard off—"

"Yez?"

"That fox waz actually the rat-bitch in dizguize, trying to zave that Rebel Leader, Razzonza or zumthing!"

"Omigod!"

"I know! Yeah, zo Ublaz, Lazk, and Craig are going down right now, to deal with them, zo I guezz we won't have to worry about Zagitar anymore."

More hissing and rasping, before the twosome roamed further down the jetty, Rinj heard their voices slowly growing softer;

"Lazk iz _zo_ brave."

"I know!…"

Her heart hammering hard in her chest, Rinj, willing herself to stay calm, sank into a sitting position at the hedge's base. How could she have been so stupid to believe a plastic muzzle and an exaggerated Irish accent would fool the conniving Ublaz, self-proclaimed emperor of the high seas? She had to have been out of her mind, or high on Domino's cheese pizza, if that was even possible.

With a metallic slither, the Latino rat promptly drew her scimitar, and precipitated apprehensively across the dock. Though she looked lethal and poised for battle on the exterior, inwardly she sighed. _No matter how dead sexy you are, Rasconza, I swear this is the last time I save your devious ass._

•••

Sagitar flashed Ublaz a seraphic smile.

"I can explain."

He pushed harder on his sabre, the cruel-edged blade biting into her throat forced a gasp of pain to escape her lips.

"Well, if it isn't my dear chief trident-rat?"

Any defiance Sagitar had had left seemed to have quickly deserted her. The young emperor felt not just a little satisfaction as those large, iridescent azure eyes gazed up at him; helpless and pleading.

"A chief trident-rat who will gladly return to you if you spare my life," she pressed very close to him, adding in a soft, persuasive whisper Mad-eyes wasn't sure he'd be able to resist, "your Mightiness."

Ublaz cast his eyes away from the mellifluous assault of her blue ones (and saw Rasconza mock-gagging in disgust). No. He wouldn't give in to her.

"Sagitar, you've played enough of your tricks on me already."

"Please. I'll never betray you again. I'll do anything—"

"Even give me a lap-dance!", Barranca suddenly hollered, grinning impishly despite all the blood that was rushing to his head because Lask Frildur was still holding him upside-down.

Sagitar shot Barranca a lethal glare over Ublaz's shoulder, before turning back to the emperor, suddenly vulnerable and powerless again. He didn't have time for this. He'd have to put an end to her now…unless…

Ublaz was abruptly feeling rather diabolical—and he liked it.

"Have no fear, Sagitar," he flashed her a mock charming wink, "I've got something much more cruel than death in mind for you."

Barranca waved his arms about, his face the exact colour of a beetroot, "Tell me! The suspense is so thick, I'm feeling nauseated!"

Rasconza folded his arms over his scrawny chest, goaded. "That's because you're upside-down, you little prat."

Conva's younger bro dismissed his comment with a shrug, then looked up at Ublaz expectantly.

"Well," the emperor paused a moment, leaving them hanging (actually, Barranca was really the only one hanging, if you know what I mean), "I think I'll lock her up in the monitor barracks for a while, then...", he gave them a smile that was pure, shameless evil, "I'll make her play strip-poker with Lask Frildur here."

Now there was real fear shining in the ex chief trident-rat's eyes. The deathly silence that fallen over them all (which was really quite enjoyable for Ublaz), was unexpectedly shattered when a certain Latino corsairess peered into the dungeon and shouted;

"Hey, boys."

As if rehearsed, all the males in the room turned towards the source of the mellifluous, ever-so-slightly Spanish accented voice and started staring. Sagitar could almost _see _the drool dripping from their jaws. _The testosterone fueled bafoons, _she thought. She would have groaned aloud if it hadn't been for the fact that if her throat muscles even moved an inch, they'd be forced into Ublaz's cruel blade. The rat had expected Rinj to do something like this to win back Rasconza's affections from her. _Fat chance of that._

Then, Rinj did something Sagitar _hadn't _anticipated. With one, quick motion, she grabbed the hem of her tight-fitting tunic and pulled it up. _Way up._

Sagitar winced. Flashing the Emperor along with his dumb lizard cronnies? How low could Rinj go? Neverless, this rash action had the desired effect. Everyone went into a sort of disarrayed state of complete and utter shock. Lask dropped Barranca on his tiny head, Craig gasped and stepped back a pace, nearly tripping over his feet, and Ublaz's loosened his hold on Sagitar just a little, but enough for Sagitar to slip away.

_Perfect. _

The Rebels didn't waste a second. They reacted immediately Rasconza throwing Craig into his cell (with amazing macho for such a skinny little bastard as Sagitar observed).

"What the—" Lask began but was kicked very hard in a very painful area between his scaly legs by Sagitar with her stilettos heel while Barranca ran toward Ublaz, jumping on his back piggy-back-style while pulling his palms over the Emperor's mesmerizing eyes.

"Guess who?" the grinning ferret asked. Torchering Ublaz was one of his all-time favourite pass-times.

Ublaz swayed around blindly, trying to lash out at his attacker.

"Ugh! Get offa me, homo!"

Meanwhile, Rasconza gave Lask, who was cowering on in the ground in agony, what could be described as an almost sympathetic glance.

"That's got to hurt." He remarked.

Craig tried furiously to open the cell door, not realizing the irony of the fact that he'd accidentally locked himself in there in the first place.

"Run for your lives, children!" Yelped Baranca from his vantage point on Ublaz's back.

"_Children?" _Sagitar could have snorted. "Look who's talking."

She caught Rasconza's foxy eye. "Come on, Sag." He said, catching her arm. "Let's get out of this nut-bar before things get nasty." To Sagitar's pleasure, Rinj saw him do this. The ex-chief-trident-rat stuck her tongue out at her arch-enemy. She hadn't said anything, but the message was clear: _I won again, bitch._

At the last possible moment, Barranca leaped from Ublaz's back to follow his rat and fox companions out of the barracks yelling:

"Hey! Wait for me, you crazy love-birds!"

Ublaz stood immobile at the centre of the barracks, buff chest muscles heaving from exertion. He was to fatigued from trying to throw Barranca off of him to go chasing after Rasconza and his fateful sidekicks at the moment. He'd resume his pursuit after a two-minute breather.

For some reason, he found his gaze falling on Rinj, who was leaning casually against one of the barred cell doors. (Yes, she has pulled her shirt back down again, perverts!) She was trying to look contended, but even Ublaz, who didn't know her too well, could tell she was disappointed.

"No exactly the heroic escape plan you'd hoped for, huh?" He said approaching her with much effort of his stiff footpaws.

Rinj turned her eyes towards the small, solitary barred window at the back of the prison, looking out to the turquoise sea, her emerald eyes distant.

"Rasconza is very unpredictable," She confessed, "Or should I say, too predictable. I should have guessed he'd go gallivanting off with Sagitar without do much as a thank-you." She paused, as if just realizing who she was talking too. "Anyways, what do you care, you're nothing but a heartless Emperor who cares of not but his gold." She harrumphed then she stormed off, nose in the air, pretty head held high. Rinj was strange. One moment, she was almost friendly to him, the next, she hated his guts. Ublaz shook his head, thinking to himself:

_She sure is a mystery. _He smiled to himself, _a mystery that I intend to solve…_

•••

The odd trio, a short, smug-looking ferret; a grim, devious fox and a female rat, still half masqueraded in her vixen guise, scurried through he maze of hallways and corridors that were the interior of Ublaz's gargantuan fortress. Though Sagitar had lived between these walls ever since she could remember, she still found herself getting lost. Each corridor looked identically to the last, same thin, brightly painted passageways dotted with the odd doorframe and decorated with the splendid, yet slightly over-rated golden wall-hangings, glass vases and bejewelled picture frames that just seemed to rub Ublaz's wealth in poor rebels faces.

"Okay, that's it." Sagitar stopped. "I'm positive we've been down this walkway before. Rasconza and Barranca exchanged dubious looks. "I'm serious!" She confirmed.

Barranca sighed dramatically "I told you we should have left a trail of breadcrumbs, geez"

"Yup, one problem with that, Grettle," The Rebellion leader observed, "Where exactly do we get the breadcrumbs?"

From around the corner came the dull, rhythmic, and somehow ominous thudding of footsteps rapidly approaching.

"They're coming! We're all gonna die!", Barranca wailed, obviously in hysterics, "Now I'm never gonna get kissed, or run out in the street naked," at this Sagitar and Rasconza both muttered _Thank god_, "or see the tooth-fairy, or go to a strip club, or lick a frozen pole, or eat caviar out of a model's belly-button…" he took a moment to catch his breath, "And you know what's the worst part is?"

"What?", they both asked, though none of them really cared.

"I'M GONNA DIE A VIRGIN!"

"Oh, Barranca, don't you know?", said Rasconza, master of irony, "No-one dies a virgin, 'cuz life screws us all!"

The tall shadows of several lizard monitors brandishing rifles flickered across one of the sickeningly gold-embellished walls. Sagitar snatched Rasconza by the arm, easily flinging his lanky frame into the nearest storage closet (there was a yell and a terrible crash that she guessed meant he had made a safe landing), than hurled herself in, closely followed by Barranca who slammed the door behind him. For a very long chaotic moment, they were submerged in inky darkness. Conva's bro began emitting incessant girl-screams. Then, after enduring these circumstances for long enough (In her opinion, anyway) Sagitar clamped a hand over the ferret's mouth.

"God," She hissed, "Don't you know when to shut-up?"

Baranca was about to make a muffled response when they heard reptilian voices emanating from outside the dark confines of their closet.

Rasconza reached out sightlessly in Sagitar's direction, and blushed deeply as his paw touched a soft curvy something.

The fox quickly recoiled, "Er..sorr – "

"It's only my knee, sicko," the former trident-rat muttered. Needless to say, a very awkward silence prevailed, only interrupted by Barranca's quiet sniggering.

Finally, when they were certain Ublaz's monitors were gone, Sagitar pushed the closet's door open a crack, breaking the impenetrable darkness.

"What now?" Baranca grumbled.

The three probed their surroundings. The closet was devoid of any items, strangely enough, not a single garment was in sight, or at least so they thought, at first.

"Hey, looks like our noble Emperor likes to play dress-up." Remarked a grinning Rasconza, picking up in one hand what looked like a masse of silky black fabric and scrutinizing it.

"Or at least his lizards do, anyways." Sagitar added. "These are the lizard ninja costumes."

In the dim light streaming in from the bright hallway, Sagitar recognized a wicked, wild grin form upon Barranca's kiddish features. She hated that grin. It could only mean one menacing thing.

"Hey, guys" He said, "I have a plan."

_**To be continued…**_

**Devil's advocate says: **Shove a gerbil up your ass through a tube…

Devil-gurl666 says: EWWWWW! What the hell!

**Devil's Advocate says: **Geez, don't you know? It's what they say in that song by Eminem called "Fak".

Devil-gurl666 says: Er…alright. (_still very weirded out_)

Anyways, thanx for your reviews. Oh, and by the way if anyone here's a fan of the Sonic the Hedgehog video games or of Tamora Pierce's "Song of the Lioness" quartet, me and my perverted friend here are planning to soon write a few wickedly hilarious fics about them too. But, have no fear, Sweet Sampetra will contnue!


	11. The One With The Mysterious Mr D U

**A/N:** Devil-gurl666 says: Helloooooooo all my homies!

**Devil's advocate says: **Stop trying to be black, wigger.

Devil-gurl666 says: Okay, okay geez. Anyways, we would like to apologise for our extended break from writin', but we've been very busy.

**Devil's advocate says: **This is the second-last episode in season one of Sweet Sampetra, but don't go taking out the high-calorie ice-cream, eating those anti-depressant pills, or writing your suicide note just yet! Duh, there's still season two!

Well, ENJOY (If u haven't jumped off the cliff yet).

P.S.: This chap might be pretty long, but, heck, this shit is so good you probably won't notice.

**SWEET SAMPETRA SEASON 1:**

**Episode 11: The One With The Mysterious Mr. D. U.**

"Wait a sec. So _who_ exactly are you guys?" Romsca, the former ferret captain peered guardedly over the colossal lenses of her Gucci sunglasses (one of the benefits of being a psycho millionaire's secretary) at the anomalous threesome standing before her desk. Sure, she'd heard tons about Ublaz's infamous Lizard Ninjas, feral reptilian assassins, swathed enigmatically from head to scaly claws in black silk. But the emperor only ever sent his hired guns out on exceedingly important missions, and…

"Oh, by the way, His Mightiness has warned me to stay on the look out for _three _escaped fugitives", she added charily, crossing her legs in her hot-pink swivel-chair.

"Zo we've heard," replied one of the ninjas, a particularly short one, for a lizard anyway. "A handzome ferret, a zkinny little fox and that tast—…er _tazty _rat girl."

He licked his lips for effect and for some strange reason, the second monitor, obviously a female, elbowed him in the ribs in what she hoped was an inconspicuous manner. But Romsca saw it. She saw it all. She liked to think nothing that took place on this island got past her beady ferret eyes.

Romsca dangled a set of golden keys teasingly infront of the trio, the keys to Ublaz's private Lear jet. The short lizard leaped for them but she lifted them easily out of his reach.

"Uh uh, not so fast. What exactly is this mission that the emperor wants you three to carry out?"

"We're to get his special shipment of viagra," said the female, grinning.

"What…?" Romsca nearly fell from her chair. "Did you just say—"

But shorty intervened. "Zhe doezn't know what zhe'z zaying, zhe hazn't taken her pillz." Then he leaned closer to Romsca and told her in a conspiratorial stage whisper: "We're really on buzinezz , exchanging with Ublaz'z ruzzian contact, a mafia king-pin."

The third lizard, a lanky reptile who'd been oddly quiet until then, took hold of the short one's silky, raven collar and yanked him away.

"It'z top-zecret." He explained over the little guy's protests.

Romsca picked up a cordless phone, putting the receiver to a furry ear and eyeing them sceptically over her smooth topped oak desk. "Umm…I think I'll call Ublaz, just make sure."

"NOOOO!" the tiny lizard threw himself onto her desktop, snatching the phone from her paws and sliding to an uncertain halt a whisker's breadth away from her.

"Why Romzca," he smiled gallantly, his warm breath stirring the fur on her cheek, "you have the most exquisitely beautiful eyes."

"Yeah, they're brown, the colour of shit." She growled, throwing him off with a fierce elbow in the chest.

Of course the lizards were horny, she told herself, Ublaz pumped Lask and his cronies with so much alcohol she wouldn't have been surprised if _she_ could "hypnotise" them to do her bidding. And it wasn't like they even had a broad selection of chicks to choose from. There was only Sagitar, the bitch from hell and Zurgat, who was no Beyoncé in scales herself. But still furious rage coursed recklessly through the former corsair captain's veins. Conva had always liked her eyes.

"So, any chance you might lend us those keys?" the female lizard queried.

Romsca inhaled and exhaled deeply a few dozen times before answering with as much calm as she could muster, "You must first prove your stature by telling me something personal about our mighty emperor himself. If you really live in the castle as you claim you do than you must surely have heard gossip of any sort."

Now she had them in her death trap. No one knew more about the heinous rumours that plagued Sampetra than she. She could already see the threesome shuffling and muttering nervously amongst themselves. She could hardly suppress a smirk of triumph from quirking her lips. She would catch these suspicious individuals in their own game. She'd have them locked away in a cosy little cell, and she'd receive a big, fat paycheck for her find. Perhaps then she would be able to buy that bottle of Chanel number five she'd been eyeing with such covet, or maybe another pair of sunglasses. This terrible sun couldn't be good for her fur complexion…

"We know Ublaz wears double ds", shorty hollered, but the scrawny lizard silenced him with an icy look. Finally, the female stepped forward once again, her eyes glinting with a mischievous fire.

"I know that Ublaz used to be a Calvin Klein underwear model."

He certainly had the body.

"That'll do," Romsca grinned, tossing the keys dismissively to the little lizard, like a bone to a hungry terrier.

That was juicy. Real juicy. And if one thing was true it was that Romsca desired nothing more than a juicy, delicious story. No matter how much of it was true.

●●●

Sagitar, Rasconza and Barranca climbed up a spiral staircase and onto the landing pad, a slick field of concrete that contaminated terribly the powerful, majestic crenulated ramparts.

"Phew, close call." Sagitar murmured.

Rasconza's reply was dripping with his customary irony, "Yeah, Barranca almost showed Romsca a little hot lizard action."

Barranca rolled his eyes and sped his little paws to catch up with his rebel companions, sucking in a few gasping breaths before retorting, "The only one who's gonna get a little hot lizard action is Sagitar—with Lask Frildur."

"_Right_." The ex-chief trident-rat scoffed, "You don't know how glad I am that I've seen the last of his scaly ass."

Suddenly she skidded to a stop, metres from the slender graceful nose of Ublaz's private leer jet, for three figures swooped down from the cockpit and Sagitar found herself staring down the barrel of a rifle wielded by none other than the monitor general himself.

"You haven't zeen the lazt of me yet, Zagitar"

Sagitar probably would have shrieked as loud as her lungs enabled her to that was, if she hadn't been trying to keep her cool in front of all of Ublaz's flunkies.

"How did you—" she began, than remembering she was still supposed to be under disguise said. "Sagitar _who?_"

Lask gave her a devious, narrowed eyed stare that almost made him look capable of having a brain. He didn't, however.

"I know your little trickz, zo don't think I can't zee pazt that pathetic coztume of yourz. I'm not az ztupid and dumb-azzed az that ferret Romzca." He butted her forward with the gun-point.

"Wait," Barranca intervened, "Let's make a trade, the money for the girl."

The lizard only glared at him, baffled. "_What_ money?"

"Sorry," the Conva's little bro explained, "I always wanted to say some crazy shit like that."

"Get the ferret." Lask said to the two monitors flanking him, then he turned to Sagitar, stroking the line of her jawbone with one scaly claw, "Az for you, my lovely, let me devour your beauty."

"Eat this, fugly." Rasconza swung his bony fist at the Lizard general, knocking him down on the asphalt. Nimbly, he took Sagitar's paw and leaped into the cockpit.

"Guess no one messes with the Foxy-loxy's girl." Barranca quipped, enthroning himself in the pilot's seat.

"_You're_ driving?", the Rebel Leader exchanged a dubious, almost fearful look with Sagitar.

"You bet."

Rasconza snatched up a barf bag. He had a feeling he'd be needing it. With a daring smile Barranca gunned the throttle forward.

"Now, let's see if this baby can fly."

●●●

"Hey, uhh…Ublaz, sir, is the leer jet supposed to be doing that?"

Craig, who was still lounging around in a swivel chair in the security booth, tapped a monitor with a finger that seemed to be just as pumped up with steroids as the rest of him.

"God, what is it now, my feeble minded friend?" The emperor groaned leaning over the desk to get a better look. The Leer jet was in the midst of a very shaky take-off down the landing pad. It swayed in and out of the florescent markers that lined the runway, knocking over yellow cones as it did. He wondered how whoever was piloting it had ever earned their driver's licence, that was, if they'd earned it at all.

"Who gave them the keys?" He demanded. He swore silently to himself that he'd see to it personally that the culprit was fed to his lizards.

"Romsca, I think…you know how she is, my lord."

Or maybe he wouldn't.

"Okay, Craig, I want all your trident-rats armed and dangerous. Oh yeah, and get me a gun, a really big gun," Ublaz smiled. Bold. Reckless. Totally Mission Impossible. "This is the last time I let Sagitar escape my clutches."

Neither Barranca, Rasconza or Sagitar could pilot a jet, that was for sure. They'd catch them easily. Then Craig would raise one heavily muscled fist at Rasconza's smug, foxy face, and do just what steroid-pumped rats did best. And that, for one thing, definitely wasn't thinking.

Minutes later, Ublaz found himself helplessly clutching the co-pilot's seat of one of Craig's amphibi-copters, as the stealthy craft jolted and reeled, bounced and recoiled, guided erratically by the trident rat's fearless paws. The emperor's stomach growled pitifully in complaint as he was thrown about in his chair, threatening to regurgitate the mimosa he'd had that morning.

"Are you sure you had pilot training, Craig?" he called over the fearsome whirr of the rotary blades.

"Aye, aye, sire. Went to the Navy Academy mysel— Holy crap!" He pushed down the throttle, hard, and the floor seemed to drop beneath Ublaz's footpaws, his belly twisting in knots. Craig just managed to pull out of the dive and with a startled squawk a sea gull flew headlong into their windshield.

Mad-eyes glanced up at the bird, now a grisly mass of sprayed feathers and scarlet, "I thought you could see! I thought you got laser eye surgery!"

"I did get laser eye surgery," the sinewy trident-rat protested, "They just sorta screwed up on the surgery part."

If Ublaz was a girl he would have thrown a hand to his forehead, swooned, and fainted then and there. But Ublaz wasn't a girl, infact he was very manly, so he simply uttered under his breath, " Shit."

●●●

After crashing into a stray palm-tree for about the umpteenth time, Rasconza had managed to shove a wailing Barranca out of the Pilot's seat. Unfortunately, this didn't seem to improve their luck in the least bit.

"_Pearl _coming up on the _Interceptor!_1_" _The ferret shrieked from his position at the back of the jet. Sagitar looked over her latest addition of _Vogue _from where she was lounged comfortably in the co-pilots chair, as if harrowing aerial chases were something they did weekly.

"Huh?" She said giving him a look that could only be described as clueless.

"Rasconza," He said, tapping the fox on the skinny shoulder.

"There's something bad behind me, isn't there?" He turned around slowly, as if fearing the worst.

"No, Rasconza you dumb-ass, look where you're going!"

But it was too late. Previously concealed by the tropical mist, the lush, fruity green canopies of an island seemed to appear in front of them out of thin air. There was a loud _whump _noise and the repetitive cracking of broken palm-limbs as they crashed through the trees. Rasconza was sure his pointy, orange-red ears would burst from Sagitar's screaming that lasted the whole way down. The jet slid on the forest floor for a couple of hundred yards, like a sled down a ski hill, it's tail-fin's rubbing together creating sparks, until it finally skidded to a halt.

"At least that's over," remarked a relieved Barranca.

That was when the sparks finally caught the dry wood from the fallen trees and the jet burst into flame.

Rasconza kicked the cockpit's door till it groaned on it's hinges and finally gave way. The threesome hastened out of the burning plane, just stumbling into the verdant cover of the tropical jungle as the engine caught alight and Ublaz's prized private leer jet was ruptured in a torrid inferno.

"We're safe, on ground!", Barranca rejoiced, proceeding to make out passionately with the forest floor, while Sagitar tried to beat out her mini-skirt which too had caught ablaze.

"Well halleluiah," Rasconza didn't even bother hiding the sarcasm in his voice, "And Sagitar, stop slapping your ass—it's _not_ turning me on."

Sagitar abruptly stopped in mid-whack, giving Rasconza an irritated look.

"What, you want me to let my butt burn off?"

"That would be such a dirty shame," Barranca said pensively from where he still lay face first on the earth, "It was such a pretty butt." He received a mighty slap across the cheek from the female rat.

"Ok you two, stop flirting with each other." This got the desired effect, now Rasconza had their full attention, "I'm going to go check the jet's debris for a radio transmitter so that fuck-head Groojaw can get us a lift out of here. You guys make yourselves useful—if that's even possible."

With that the fox sauntered off to the plane's steaming ruins, leaving the ex-chief trident-rat and the ferret to their own devices.

"Let's go find some food, just in case we're stuck here for a while longer." Barranca suggested, then turned to Sagitar. Suddenly his eyes glinted hungrily, "God those coconuts look juicy."

Sagitar, not really a genius as we have often stressed, crossed her arms instinctively over her chest, "_What_ exactly are you trying to say!"

He motioned to the palm tree above her, "_Those _coconuts, stupid." he shook his head sympathetically, "Geez, Sag. You really think all the guys wanna sex you up."

She winced. It just didn't seem quite right hearing that from someone of his tender years. All the same she couldn't help feeling a little offended.

"Whatever. Can you climb trees?"

After a few fruitless attempts at ascending the palm tree (including one where Barranca tried to run up it _Matrix_ style), he clung frenetically to the slender trunk, about three metres above the ground, with the furry clump of coconuts dangling enticingly just out of reach.

"Your arms are too stubby and short," Sagitar complained, watching helplessly from below.

He glanced over his shoulder down at her, retorting, "Hey, what are you gonna do—hump your way up this tree, since you're so good at putting the moves on Rasconza?"

A low humming sound approached threateningly, like the buzz of some colossal wasp. But Sagitar knew better. Ublaz was coming.

"Barranca, get down from there!"

The humming grew louder, more intense, and a vehement wind buffeted them. The tree tops parted and the sleek black metal of Ublaz's amphibi-copter descended gracefully to the forest floor, rotary blades whirring.

The drone died to a purr, until the blades circled lazily to a halt. Agile as a cat, Emperor Ublaz himself dropped noiselessly from the cockpit, backed by the trident Craig Zurgat, one of her female lizard cronies and Lask Frildur.

"Sire," Sagitar gasped under her breath.

"_Sire,_" Barranca mocked in a disgustingly feminine drawl.

Ublaz fumbled to get his gun from it's holster a little too long to keep his sexy, bad-cop poise, "Where's my lear-jet?"

"_Smooth_," Rasconza, who appeared to have slunk out of no-where, muttered, "So smooth you could slide uphill."

Barranca gawked, awe-stricken, at the amphibi-copter, "That's one sweet-ass ride."

"God, men and their cars." Sagitar inspected her manicured claws, piqued.

"Where's my lear-jet!" Ublaz repeated, louder.

Rasconza strolled lazily forward, obviously pleased by Ublaz's distress. "Your lear-jet, hmm? I think it's right over there," the emperor's jaw dropped as he motioned to the sootened heap of rubble, "or at least what's left of it."

Ublaz straightened, shock at what they had done to his favourite luxury plane replaced by a wily smirk of revenge. "Well I suppose then that you and your crew will be stranded on this desert island—while I will leave on my amphibi-copter."

Holstering his gun with excessive difficulty, he turned, apparently delighted by his own ingenuity. Only to find the clearing deserted, a distant wasp drone humming quietly.

"Craig…WHERE'S THE AMPHIBI-COPTER?"

The trident-rat shrugged sheepishly.

"I might have left the key in the ignition."

●●●

The sun sunk low on the horizon, bleeding crimson into the endless tropical seas, and dusting the periwinkle clouds with golden. Sagitar, Rasconza, Barranca, Ublaz and Craig sat around a dying makeshift fire, bored out of their skulls.

Sagitar cast a surreptitious backwards glance at Lask Frildur, who was deep in conversation with Zurgat and her female lizard accomplice, and whispered to Ublaz, "Why'd you have to bring _him_ along? Now he's gonna rape me in my sleep!"

A hint of a smirk played upon the emperor's perfect lips, "Yes, perhaps I should always think about your virginity before taking any smitten lizards with me anywhere—I'll make that any _males_ actually, seeing as they all seem to be so infatuated with you."

She decided to ignore the way he glared pointedly at Rasconza when he said this.

"You guys probably don't have to worry about that slut's virginity," Barranca smiled innocently.

The fox gave an awkward, mimic of a laugh that didn't sound at all like himself. He earned a vicious trod on the footpaw from Sagitar for that. She grinned crookedly, though the act didn't seem the least bit convincing—even to her. Hastily, she changed the subject.

"I'm bored. Hey, you guys wanna play Truth or Dare?"

That impish grin was back on the little ferret's face. "Okay. I _dare_ you to tell us who you lost your virginity to."

"Really. Your fascination with my sex-life is flattering and all that, but will you guys just come off it?"

"_Please_ tell me."

"Nope."

"_Please_."

"Nope."

"_Please_!"

"No!"

"PLEASE!"

"NO!"

"Ublaz will take off his shirt so you can feel his abs."

"I never said I'd do that, you little ass-wipe!"

Sagitar flashed Ublaz a seductive smile, "You sure?"

"God, I said no, didn't I?" But his cheeks blushed scarlet.

"_Please_ tell me!"

The ex-chief trident-rat looked thoughtful for a moment. "Alright, alright, I'll tell you. But only if you run around the island yelling and screaming like a lunatic. Oh, and," she glared at Barranca with a diabolical light in her eyes that could only mean she had something very, _very_ evil in mind, "did I mention that you'll be naked?"

Ublaz cast her an incredulous look. Was the heat getting to her head? Was she drunk? Was she crazy?

Oh, right. Of course she was crazy. She was Sagitar.

He swivelled his gaze to Barranca. He was sure to chicken-out. He had enough of a reputation of being a wuss. But Conva's little bro shrugged off his shirt, "Cover your eyes people, I'm goin' in," he gave Sagitar a sly wink, "But you, ladies, may keep your eyes open."

"I think I'd rather not," she shielded her baby-blues with a paw.

"There's only one lady here, stupid," Rasconza intervened.

"Yeah, and that's you." Ublaz's grin, however, died on his lips. One lady. Rinj wasn't here. He thought about the sad, faraway look in her deep emerald eyes and suddenly felt guilty, sitting here enjoying himself while she was off brooding over treacherous Rasconza.

He looked up. Barranca was gone, into the jungle's sprawling tropical majesty, his clothes in puddle by the fire. Lask Frildur's head peered out from behind a palm tree ananounced, startling Sagitar to jump up with a piercing scream.

"Mightinezz, zomeone iz approaching the izland," the lizard General hissed.

Ublaz stood, reaching for his gun (then remembering his holstering difficulties, and deciding against it). "Okay, I'm coming."

He followed Lask to the shore, the fierce undergrowth biting into his ankles, exposed by his board shorts, and starting to think twice about having left Rasconza and Sagitar alone together unattended. They hit the beach, and he felt his loafers filling uncomfortably with the white-as-your-average-fang-whitener sand. Yes, this was really a bad idea. He didn't want to come back and interrupt anything that would make him shield Barranca's young, untainted eyes.

"Over there, zire," Frildur brandished a scaly claw seaward.

Out on the impossibly blue ocean an agile, dark shape swerved and hurdled, riding the waves. It was Rinj. She straddled jet-skis, manoeuvring them like some untamed beast, the wind whipping back her lustrous black fur, the spray dancing in her wake.

He was surprised when he heard Sagitar's voice at his side, obviously irked, "That is _so_ Baywatch."

●●●

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Barranca came plunging through the thicket, utterly nude, and dashed through another clearing at a wild, breakneck pace. Zurgat raised her head from the rat carcass she'd been feeding on with feral voracity, her mouth smeared with crimson.

"Rodents," she muttered to her companion, shaking her head sadly at the hollering naked ferret, "They're so barbaric."

●●●

The group sat in a circle around the makeshift campfire, Sagitar with Barranca on one side of her, Rasconza on the other, with Rinj on _his _other side. While she was seated beside Ublaz, who kept staring at the Latino rat in a way that made Sagitar want to barf-up her tofu-dog.

"So, kiddies," Barranca (now clothed) said, "What now?"

"Well, the game must go on," Sagitar glanced at Ublaz. God, the way he looked at Rinj—with such veneration. You'd think she was, like, Jessica Alba or something. She tossed her tofu-dog into the fire (it tasted like shit in a bun anyway). Her eyes fell to a curiously inspiring bottle of ketchup perched on a log. Hmm… maybe she could use the emperor's undying adoration of that corsair-bitch to her advantage.

A slow smile crept onto Sagitar's features. "Okay, let's make this interesting. Rinj, spray some ketchup all over you shirt."

Rinj looked down at her shirt, a black tank top with "Dangerous", emblazoned across the front in pink, as though considering how it would look like stained with crimson. Then, she snatched the bottle from Sagitar's paws, and squeezed the contents down her front.

"Hey, it's a Rinj-dog," Barranca smirked.

"That's it?" the corsairess challenged, her neck and chest fur slick with the red tomato sauce.

"Afraid not. Now, Rasconza, I dare you to lick it all up."

"_Perra_, you sick bitch!" Rinj retreated a few steps from the Rasconza, a blush barely visible under her glossy black fur.

Barranca threw Sagitar an inquisitive sidelong stare, "This sorta thing make you horny?"

"Hell no," she leaned in close and cupped a paw to his ear, "I only did it to see the look on Ublaz's face."

Barranca cast a glance at the Emperor of Sampetra, who looked like someone had just spilled coffee on his favourite designer Armani suit, and grinned. "Priceless."

Rasconza caught her gaze, his alluring amber-gold eyes perplexed, startled, maybe a little desiring. Sagitar returned him frank look. She didn't care if he did it—wasn't she the one who'd proposed it in the first place? And anyway, he wasn't even her boyfriend. Since when had a one-night-stand been considered as going out?

"Just lick her already!" Barrranca, seeing the fox's indecision, hollered out. Then, saucily added in a bit too raucous a whisper, "You know you wanna."

Rasconza gave the ferret a fierce scowl that undoubtedly said: _I'll deal with you later_, before timorously turning to Rinj, who leaned on a palm-tree in what Sagitar thought for a fleeting moment was an almost provocative, sultry manner—but it must have been the tofu-shit (Which had sat out in the sweltering sun for a dubious amount of time) getting to her. The Rebel Leader drew Rinj's svelte frame close and the corsairess raised one pencil thin eye-brow, though let him hesitantly run his tongue over her neck, seeking downward to that forbidden part of her beneath her tank-top.

Sagitar bit her lip and endured the result of her own stupidity. This was _her_ sick idea, right_? Yeah, well the only reason they'd look good together is 'cuz they're both as skinny as those starving African kids that Ublaz keeps saying he's going to donate money to but never _really_ will_, she thought to herself, knowing it was a pitiful comfort.

Lask Frildur sauntered inquisitively into the "Campsite", narrowing his eyes at the fox and the Latino rat, "What'z going on?"

Sagitar rolled her eyes, the lizard's appearance only nourishing her fowl mood, "Don't get your hopes up Lask. This is reality—not your favourite porn flick."

She turned her gaze to Ublaz, who was inspecting his loafers with illogical enthusiasm. He'd received enough torture for one day—and so had she. "Okay Rasconza, you can stop already."

The fox released Rinj and retreated (with as much dignity as who has just partaken in much avid neck-licking can retain) to his place by the fireside.

Barranca leaned forward, eager for more revolting humiliation—just as long as it wasn't on his part, "So who's next?"

"You guys can go on, but I need to have a word with Sagitar," Rasconza stood, seizing Sagitar's arm brusquely enough for her to presume this couldn't be to go make-out on the beach, and leading her off to a secluded enough spot behind several looming palm trees.

"What the hell was that about?" he hissed.

Sagitar couldn't help but sneer a little, "You seemed to be enjoying yourself quite a bit actually."

"Well, it was your idea in the first place."

"It was _just _a dare!"

"Shhhh!" he brought a silencing paw to her lips, "We don't know who might be listening."

She shook him off tersely, "I don't care! Don't think I didn't notice how she looked at you, or how you looked at her." God, she must have been quoting like every soap opera ever to air on ABC.

"Sagitar. You know I don't give a shit about Rinj—she can go be one Ublaz's groupies if she really wants!"

She rolled her eyes, "Yeah, sure, and you _so _weren't gawking when she flashed every one down in the Monitor Barracks."

She'd hit a week point. She could tell he was getting furious with her. "Fine," he growled, "Two can play at this game."

With that, he turned and strode purposefully back to the "Campsite", she followed him, bemused. There was a sufficient amount of shuffling and giggling (probably Barranca), before they got there and when they arrived, everyone was sitting far too innocently still for anything suspicious _not_ to have happened.

"Alright," Rasconza said, a devious light in his eyes that was all too familiar, "Since I was the last one dared, how about I go first?" he didn't even wait for a reply, "Sagitar, truth or dare?"

Oh. So this was about revenge was it? She wouldn't give him the satisfaction of making her do anything stupid, "Truth."

But, to her dismay, his grin only widened. "Okay then. So why don't you tell us a bit about that tattoo."

"Err…what tattoo?" she replied innocuously, panic fluttering in her.

He was definitely relishing every moment of this. " The one you have…on your chest."

This clearly got a reaction. Ublaz, once sulking, surreptitiously leaned forward, Rinj's perfect pencilled eyebrows (damn them) arched way up once more, Barranca emitted a horrible, maidenly gasp, and Lask Frildur poked his head (Again!) into the clearing.

Sagitar laughed dismissively, "Very funny, Rasconza."

"No, Sagitar, I'm dead serious."

"But I don't have a tattoo there, and even if I did, how would you know?" She didn't miss the conspiratorial smile Barranca gave Rinj.

"Oh, I wasn't _that_ drunk," the fox wasn't backing down. Now Ublaz was leaning in so far he threatened to lose his balance and tumble into the fire. Rasconza, excruciatingly enough, continued, "It's a heart with S. S. + D. U. written in the middle."

There was a yelp from behind him, followed by a "Shit!", which probably meant that Ublaz _had_ fallen into the flames (served him right).

"S. S. is for Sagitar Sawfang, but who's D. U.?" Rinj chimed in.

"Well," Barranca stood up, puffing out his scrawny chest proudly, "I think it's time Detective Herbert Scruffogolopomus was back on the case, to discover the identity of Mr. D. U., whoever this highly suspicious individual is, wouldn't you say?"

Covered in soot from the fire Ublaz groaned piteously, "You've got to be kidding me."

_To be continued…_

A/N: Devil-gurl666: Phew! That was the longest fin chap I've ever written in my whole fin life!

**Devil's Advocate says: **No need for the colourful language. Tho I must admit this chap was 15 pgs on Microsoft Word—That's pretty fin long! (Hope you enjoyed it all the same.)

1 No, we don't have permission from the producers of _Pirates of the Caribbean _to use this line.


	12. The One With Rinj's Dirty Little Secret

**A/N: Devil's advocate says: **My dirty little secret: I had lesbian sex at church camp—3 times.

Devil-gurl666 says: Ewww, you little fag! And you never told me!

**Devil's Advocate says: **_heehee._ Sheesh, I was just joking. No need to get your panties in a twist.

Devil-gurl666 says: _Ahem_. Let's not talk about my panties. Well, anyways, this is the FINAL episode in _Sweet Sampetra: Season One_. Hope y'all like it (I know you will), and get ready for _Season Two_ of our sick little revolution in the Redwall fanfics. Though I'm not so sure Brian Jacques will like it.

Enjoy!

SWEET SAMPETRA: SEASON ONE Season Finale: The One With Rinj's Dirty Little Secret 

Maybe it was the bugs. Maybe someone should have cautioned him against sleeping only in boxers—so that he wouldn't have arisen at midnight, ferociously scratching the inflamed blisters that had invaded his body at several ravenous mosquitos' feasting 'till he was sure all his fur would fall out. Maybe it was Barranca, who not only snored like a herd of rhinoceroses possessed, but sleep walked relentlessly, while murmuring stuff like, "Mom, I didn't steal the cookies!", and "No, I haven't been circumcised. Got a problem with that?" There was also the small detail that he was not sleeping within his customary burrow of downy Egyptian cotton bed sheets, but rather on the cruel, rigid earth. The most plausible reason, however, why Ublaz hadn't slept a wink that night on the desert island was because of Sagitar Sawfang, his former chief Trident-rat.

The emperor of Sampetra had trudged wearily through the jungle to the shore, still clad merely in his Calvin Kleins, and had lain back on the beach, letting the cool sand tickle his spine and letting the rhythmic crashing of the waves flood his ears, reminding him of his corsair days. That was when he'd heard the scuffling of footpaws tentatively approaching.

"Mind if I join you?" Sagitar stood inquiringly by his side. When he shook his head, she lowered herself down beside him, hugging her knees to her chest. Strangely enough, he didn't unduly disapprove of her company, despite her heartless betrayal of him for the rebels. It would seem that time had washed away the bitterness he'd had for her, like the tide sweeping away the flotsam. And it was somehow both awkward, yet slightly (But only the very slightest bit) pleasurable to have her eyes considering the nakedness of his chest. Honestly, he hadn't sit-upped himself silly for nothing.

"Do you miss it? The sea I mean," Her fur glimmered silver in the moonlight, her eyes a mysterious grey-blue.

His usual reply nearly left his lips: _No, I'm glad I'm not a murderous, swashbuckling scoundrel. Its so much fun being cooped up in a palace all day with nothing to do but write paperwork, sleep with random maidservants and (If I get _really_ bored) hypnotize unfortunate trident-rats into jumping off the battlements. _But today, he didn't feel like spouting all that refined aristocratic shit.

"Sometimes. I can have anything I want right now, but in a weird, cliché sort of way, it isn't enough. There's something alluring about a life of crime, a sort of reckless freedom that, forbidden as it is, I long to taste. Its almost as if the vulgarity of it makes it that much more desirable."

And that was probably the deepest thing he'd ever said in his shallow, corrupt life. Except that time he'd said something cheesy to Mandy about "True love". But that had been stolen from the chick-flick Romsca had been watching, and he'd only said that so that she'd think him terribly romantic. But he wasn't. True love was crap made up by some commercial businesses to get guys to spend ridiculous amounts of money on their girlfriends. Believe me, Ublaz had dated far too many gold-digging sluts in his lifetime.

"Well I must admit that I myself have a forbidden desire, Ublaz," She leaned in, filling the gap between them. He watched, breathless, as her lips parted, a moment from his very own, "But it's you I long to taste."

Though Ublaz, being the mega-hottie he was, had been told many a cheesy lines like this by numerous girls, and was normally immune to such charms, somehow he found himself beneath her, her every curve and contour warm against his bare chest, her mouth pressed to his. He was much stronger than her, and could have easily pushed her off him, he but found himself totally helpless. He didn't know what it was, the way her soft, silky silver fur felt against him, or maybe the way those cobalt eyes, burning with wanting, seemed to look straight through his miserable, cool-and-under-control-rich-guy disguise, but she made him melt like hot wax.

Then suddenly, it wasn't Sagitar on top of him, but a different rat. The sight of her, her lustrous black fur dishevelled, her lips ripe and swollen from kissing, her emerald eyes wide, made him roll her underneath of _him_, made him slip his tongue past her lips, made him hunger for her…

"Hey, you guys," Rinj materialized from the darkness, her flashlight casting a slender beam of light onto the sand. He lay entangled only with Sagitar, "get a room."

Ublaz flashed her a roguish grin, "What, want some too?" he proceeded to ostentatiously lavish Sagitar's neck with passionate kisses.

Rinj rolled her eyes and retreated back into the jungle, though Ublaz was satisfied. Perhaps if she got a little jealous, she'd realise her feelings for him. His insight was short lived however, for his conscience (Which he'd mentally locked away in a high security vault) quickly chimed in: _what feelings?_ _You mean how she thinks you're a bloodthirsty tyrant, 'cause you know, she's right._

• • •

"Well congratulations, Ublaz, now I think you've officially done every girl on Sampetra."

Ublaz sighed, giving Barranca a weary look, "Yeah, except the one I actually want to do."

Rasconza, who was lounging about, his undernourished frame draped over a beach-chair (how did that get there?), sat up exasperatedly.

"Such a shame, your mightiness, you have some mad cheddar pouring out your ears, all the girls following you like a herd of a sheep, more caviar than Baranca and I think about in our wildest daydreams and it's still just not enough. You're the pimp and one chick simply doesn't want to be your groupie. Life just can't go on." You could smell the scorn in his voice, well at least Ublaz could.

"Yeah," Baranca gazed out at the sunrise wistfully, "I wish I had that kind of crisis going on."

Ublaz stroked an imaginary beard. "What _was _Rinj doing sneaking around at that time of night anyway?"

"The same thing you were doing?" Barranca blurted, than fell silent, realizing what he'd said.

"Sure, Rinj snuck off in the middle of the night to go make-out with Sagitar." Rasconza snorted, "In your dreams, Barranca. Literally."

"In my dreams, actually, this African tribal women was trying to have me circumcised. You know really, it was more of a nightmare, this creepy old woman with a knife trying to cut off your…"

But Ublaz was hardly listening. Barranca's words had set off a train of thought in his mind. Maybe Rinj had crept out of bed to see someone confidentially. Not Sagitar, of course (that would never happen, not even in his wildest lesbian fantasy), but someone else. A secret lover, perhaps? He had to find out. He might have competition, though he doubted this guy had a six-pack, his own island and a private leer-jet (or used to, at least).

• • •

Twilight came over the desert island once more, and Rinj departed on her mysterious venture. Ublaz was lying, feigning sleep, when he heard the light crunch of her footfalls disturb the eccentric calls of the jungle. He waited for her to disappear into the shadows before noiselessly rising to his feet, though slumber beckoned seductively to him. He was making his way precariously across the clearing where the castaways slept—

"Ublaz, what are you doing?"

The emperor froze, then turned around slowly. Rasconza, who had been stretched out with enviable comfort on the rough earth, propped himself up on one elbow, looking a little smug, like he'd caught him doing something sneaky.

"I'm err…taking a leak. Yeah, taking a leak, if you have to know."

"With night-vision goggles?"

"…Yeah…why not?"

The fox yawned, "Man, Mad-eyes, I thought you were weird. Now I know you're just plain creepy."

Ublaz couldn't help getting a crack at the Rebel Leader as he entered the luxuriant undergrowth, "Yeah, well I guess Sagitar likes us creepy guys."

He just barely managed to stoop behind a palm tree as a dagger came whistling past his head.

The sky sank, a fiery cocktail swirl above the sundry treetops. Ublaz clicked off his flashlight and slipped the night-vision goggles over his eyes, his whole world exuding an eerie synthetic green (Not that the jungle hadn't been green to start with). Now he could pursue Rinj from just a step behind her. Hopefully the darkness would cloak his presence. He couldn't help feeling a little pathetic. Wasn't he like one of those hopeless high-school nerds who stalked the hot, popular girls they had huge crushes on, when the girls didn't even notice them? Like they were invisible. Maybe he really shou—

_Whump._

And that's what love does to you. Makes you walk into palm trees.

Rinj whirled around, her flashlight beam franticly probing the foliage, till it fell on him, strewn on the ground, those ridiculous night-vision goggles screening his eyes. So maybe he _hadn't_ been invisible before—but now he was wishing he was.

"Ublaz!" Rinj hissed,

"No," Ublaz said, trying pathetically to shield himself with a banana leaf, "It's your mom."

Though it was pitch-black, and those hideous, geek-stroyed goggles were only halfway still on his face, he could clearly make-out Rinj narrowing her eyes and giving him the hateful look she saved only for him. How he loved it when she was pissed-off.

"What are you doing?" She demanded, shining the light in his eyes, making him squint painfully.

"Uh…taking a leak?" As soon as the suggestion left his mouth, he knew she wouldn't buy it. He wasn't even buying it himself. _Stay dignified, Ublaz, dignified. _Hard to be dignified when you're caught obsessing over some chick like a freaky stalker in night-vision goggles. He scrambled to his feet, ripping the lenses off before they caused further embarrassment.

"Well, I'm definitely _not _following you."

"Then I strongly advise you stop "not" following me."

"So you want me to follow you?"

"No, and if that's what you call flirting you must have hypnotized every girl you've ever slept with," she cast him a cheeky, mocking grin, before resuming her stride deeper into the jungle. Still, he thought he'd caught something almost like challenge in her tone.

Well, Ublaz's charm hadn't failed him yet. In high school, one winning smile had won him a date with the prom queen. _One winning smile and a hundred-dollar bill, Casanova_. He really had to do something about his conscience.

He caught up with her easily, granting her one of the smouldering looks he'd been obliged to perform as a Calvin Klein underwear model, "Oh, you haven't seen me flirt yet, Rinj."

"Yeah, and I don't think I wanna," she rolled those lovely green eyes, her paws resting resolutely on her hips.

But Ublaz hardly heard. The front of her heavy dark trench coat had fallen open, and he caught a fleeting glimpse of all that lay beneath, in this case, a bra of the racy, exotic lace notorious for La Perla. He'd been right (as always), Rinj was seeing someone. Mandy only ever wore La Perla when she had a little something on her mind Barranca liked to call the s-word. And that wasn't Splenda.

The corsairess caught his gaze, and her paws franticly sprung to the front of her coat. "Not for your eyes," she growled.

"For who's then?"

"Uh…no-one," he saw, however, the way she wavered a moment, rummaging for an excuse.

"Don't give me that," he persisted, "I know you've been sneaking off somewhere ever since we came to this island."

"Is that why you're following me?"

Of course she wouldn't tell him. It was probably Rasconza, anyways. He knew Rinj adored him. He'd even overheard her offering to take him back to Sampetra on her jet-skis (which they'd all planned on using to return, but no-one could decide who'd get to use them first)—leaving the rest of them stranded. Rasconza didn't want to ditch Sagitar (this was before the whole making-out-on-the-beach thing), and they'd gotten into a fight, meanwhile, Ublaz had sent Craig to go steal the jet-skis right from beneath their (freakishly long, in Rasconza's case) snouts. Ublaz really should have remembered never to let the dumb-as-brick trident-rat use heavy machinery, for Craig came back, empty-pawed, claiming the jet-skis had just "run off". When Ublaz, seething with rage, had demanded how they could have just "run off", Craig simply had said, "Like this, sire," and had dashed off to the campsite.

"Well I wasn't exactly following you, I just came here to investigate."

"Right. Are you ever just gonna give up and leave me alone?"

"Not any time soon."

She sighed. "Fine, Mad-eyes. I think I know what will make you."

"And that is?"

Rinj drew her supple body up against his and pressed her face so close, their whiskers met and he inhaled her piquant, delicious perfume.

"Close your eyes, Ublaz. I know what you've been wanting," her voice was a low, sultry whisper, he felt her thigh, bare beneath her trench coat, against his leg… he couldn't help but surrender to her. That desperate craving for her reawakened within him, and he let his eyes drop closed, anticipating her kiss…

"But you can't have it." With that, her fist slammed into his head, hard, and darkness clouded his vision.

He grappled for a moment with consciousness. _She punches almost as hard as Sagitar, _he thought,_ but damn, she's hot when she's mad. _Then he slipped into oblivion.

• • •

_Smack!_

"Oww! What the hell?" Ublaz sat up with a jolt. His head not only throbbed painfully, but now his cheek stung ruthlessly. Not to mention the tropical sun was searing his eyes till he was sure he'd go blind.

"Sorry, I was only trying to wake you up." As the emperor blinked groggily, he made out Barranca standing over him, looking anything but apologetic.

"Well, it doesn't mean you have to bitch-slap me," Ublaz raised a paw tenderly to his pulsating temple, "And anyways, you know you have to be a bitch to—nevermind."

"Actually it's a good thing you're awake seeing as Rasconza was planning to murder you in your sleep with my eyebrow tweezers," Sagitar, who appeared by Barranca's side, gave him a sympathetic glance. "But whatever. What happened to you last night? Even I think you look like shit."

He winced. That meant he must look pretty darn bad. "Err…let's just say it's complicated."

Rinj gave an irked sigh. Fortunately, Sagitar didn't notice. She'd probably get the wrong idea if she thought he and Rinj had spent the night together. Barranca however, seemed to have eyes growing out of the back of his head.

"Oh, I think I know what this is about," the small ferret grabbed Ublaz by the arm and hauled him up excruciatingly, "I think it's time you and I had a little chat."

He heard Rasconza mutter something about them going off to have gay sex, but chose to ignore it.

After Barranca had plunked him on a tacky beach chair (that for some reason was on a desert island) away from the rest, Conva's bro glared seriously at his head, which was now no doubt boasting a colossal lump.

"Did _Rinj_ do that to you?"

"You crazy?…Alright, maybe…Okay, okay yeah, she did this to me."

"Dude. I thought _I_ had girl problems."

"And you think you can help me?" _Sure, like I need advice from a virgin._

"Well, yes, actually. I have the best pick-up lines, and they always work. You'll have all the chicks swooning in no time."

"I'm _so_ sure."

"No seriously. I'll give you an example. Like: "Your eyes are as blue as the

ocean, and baby, I 'm lost at sea," or "Somebody needs to write 'explosive' on you, 'cause you da bomb!" And, my personal favourite: "If you were my homework, I'd do you on my desk."

"Right," Ublaz stood precariously, "You know, I think I'll be fine thank you. Even if it means not returning to the campsite in one piece."

• • •

_DESERT ISLAND, 12:34 pm. SPY ON RINJ TO FIND OUT WHO SHE'S HAVING A TORRID, PASSIONATE (DAMN, I WISH I WAS THAT GUY) LOVE AFFAIR WITH: TAKE TWO_

Emperor Mad-eyes was smiling ruthlessly to himself. Not because his Swiss Bank account's interest rate had gone up exceedingly, or not because he'd plotted the perfect plan to annihilate Rasconza and his pesky ever-loyal band of corsair once and for all. (Though he wished he did) No, Ublaz was content because he was marvelling at his utter brilliance.

That evening, the pine-martin had gone rummaging in the charred remains of the Lear jet (This earning him many a strange look from the rest of the gang. Luckily, they assumed he was mourning the tragic loss of his high-tech play-toy,). He returned triumphantly fifteen minutes later with a salvaged GPS tracking system concealed in his pocket.

Then, it had only been the simple matter of clipping the tracker onto the inside lining of Rinj's trench coat and _voilà, _instant stalker paradise. All he had to do was wait at the camp till the little beeping red dot that was Rinj reached it's destination, then go there himself. He need not worry about following her around, half-blind in the darkness with only those dorky goggles for company.

Of course, like any plan, it needed some work. There were a couple of obvious flaws. Ublaz was relying mostly on the fact that: (1) Rinj wore the same trench coat, which was quite unlikely. Knowing girls, Ublaz knew they avoided wearing the same thing twice in a row at any cost, and (2) That Rinj was distracted enough not to notice the tracker. If she did…well, let's just say no plastic surgery would fix Ublaz's face from that sort of damage.

He staked-out in his sleeping bag, and had almost dozed off, until he smelled that delicious sent lingering in his nostrils (that could only mean Rinj) and heard the rhythmic beeping of the GPS. He sat bold upright, stiff and erect.

_Erect, erection, haha. _

_Yeah, Ublaz_, he thought to himself, _Penis jokes are so not funny._

Rinj was already gone. Making slightly less noise than a pair of ants in slippers, the aristocrat pulled on a black hoodie, drawing the hood over his ears, then crept away towards the trees.

Ublaz was pretty spooked. Sure he'd seen many scary things in his nineteen years: Sagitar, after he'd destroyed her favourite pair of heels; Barranca, singing karaoke to Christina Aguilera's _Beautiful_. But taking a midnight stroll in the creepy, god-forsaken palm tree forest really made him shiver. Every little thing made the fur on the back of his neck stand up, from the trees' freaky black twig fingers that reached up to the dark night sky, to the simplest snap of the undergrowth. More than once he whirled around, sure he'd felt someone coming up behind him

The deathly silence of the tropical rainforest didn't help. It was so quiet he could hear his heart thumping against his ribcage. No, wait, that wasn't his heart—or if it was, it's rhythmic throbbing was strangely reminiscent to the heavy beat of Beyoncé's _naughty girl. _No, that definitely wasn't his heart. Hastily, he waded through the lush vegetation, towards the source of the music. With a paw, he swept back a flourishing tree-limb from his path, only to stop dead in his tracks, startled and confused by what he saw.

The jungle ended abruptly, paved over by the dark parking lot of a low-rise building teeming with rodents. Ferrets, rats and foxes (from females in glittering, provocative attire to appraising males and clusters of teens swigging Bacardi) poured into the edifice, glowing electric green under the neon sign hung above the entrance. " _The_ _Cat_ _Scratch _", it read.

Ublaz plunged a hand in his pocket and fished out the GPS. The red dot pulsated gently, metres away. Rinj was going to a club, on a _desert island_? Whoa, was he high or something? Or maybe this was all just a dream, and he'd wake up, with the brackish smell of seawater gone from his nostrils, and no bleached sand clinging to his fur. That would be nice. Then he'd call Romsca for a martini and he'd tell her about his bizarre nightmare and they'd laugh, saying: "yeah, right, that would never really happen."

No. Romsca would probably be like: "You had a fantasy about fucking Sagitar on a beach? Eww. What, does chief Trident-rat secretly mean PersonalHooker?' Cause then I really don't want to know what happened when you had a _male_ chief Trident-rat."

Not to mention he'd have the whole Sampetra muttering, "Ublaz got laid," and Craig, a renowned hopeless romantic, asking him awkward questions like, "So, was she good?"

He sauntered across the parking lot, pushing his way through the crowd. _Yeah, I guess what happens on the desert island, stays on the desert island. _Ducking low in the throng, he managed to slip past the club's bouncers unnoticed, and his ears flooded with a myriad of pounding music and fragments of conversation and laughter. If Ublaz, however, had been shocked by his initial discovery, what he saw as he peered over the sea of gyrating bodies left him so flabbergasted you'd think he'd seen Barranca kiss a girl who wasn't his mom.

This was what Ublaz noticed. FIRST: This was a strip club (weird hang out for Rinj, huh? Maybe Barranca's lesbian assumption needed some considering). THEN: The girl spiralling and coiling about the poll with sinuous, sensual grace was strangely familiar. Sure, he'd never explored the voluptuous contours of her body, now merely clad in a glittering bikini, but he'd memorized the planes of her face. From her high cheekbones, her rare smiles and the way her emerald eyes glinted fiercely. Then it hit him full on like a ton of bricks. Rinj. Rinj was a stripper.

No secret torrid affair. No secret lover. Just a stripper.

The fact took a while to register in Ublaz's brain. Meanwhile, he stood there gaping, eyes wide, eyebrow up, way up and moth open so big he was sure he could swallow a couple of those tropical coconuts Barranca had been eyeing with such zeal, whole.

He decided to stay cool. Lie low, keep his face hidden and hopefully, she wouldn't even recognize him.

Sampetra's Emperor turned around, preparing for a quick, inconspicuous getaway via the back door. He serpentined through a flock of wasted vixens in tight leather mini-skirts, who acknowledged him with an eruption of catcalls and wolf-whistles (or should I say _fox-_whistles.)

He'd just sidled up against the wall, away from the boisterous crowd, when a slender paw seized him sharply by the shoulder and a light, exquisite voice hissed in his ear,

"_What_ are you doing here!"

Well, guess who?

Rinj sighed, her penciled brows knitted in frustration and fury. "Don't tell me you followed me here."

"Fine. I was curious, that's not a crime."

"Stalking is. And anyway, what's a refined man-whore like you doing stalking trash like me," her angry growl quivered with something like dejection, "a stripper."

"You're not trash." _And even if you are, you're the sexiest trash I've ever seen, _he added mentally. "Not all of us are proud of what we are."

"And what have _you _done that's so shameful, O Ruler of the High Seas?"

"For one thing, I've been quite a jerk to this girl. Acting like a real big ass around her—and stalking her," he thought he saw the corners of her perfect lips lift. But it must have been a trick of the light. "No honestly, some of the things I did as a corsair aren't even worth thinking about."

"Let's hear," She seemed curious in spite of herself.

"Hell, no! You'd be revolted."

She raised an eyebrow playfully, "Try me."

He cleared his throat. "Well it all started a long time ago, out on the high seas…" Ah, the high seas. Nothing like a tale of swordplay and buccaneering to get any chick smitten. There was something they found hot about wearing a bandana and hoop earrings. Though Rasconza refrained from it with a gruff, "'cause they're gay." If he wanted to see full-blooded homosexuals he needed to watch _Brokeback Mountain._ Seriously, after a screening of that, Ublaz couldn't help but flinch every time he heard the word "cowboy".

Enough of that, or he'd get nightmares again. On with the story, "That was when I was captain of the _Bloodkeel_, and my first mate was Storm, a fierce corsairess who was unvanquished with her blade—"

"Wait. Let's go outside," Rinj murmured, Ublaz felt an exalted little shiver where she touched his arm, "its way too loud in here."

She swept around—then walked headlong into a cocktail waitress. Giddily, she stumbled into his arms, her head rolling back onto his chest. He vaguely remembered the feel of her relinquished body there, cradled in his hands, from when he'd rescued her back at Sampetra.

"Whoa, someone's gettin' it on with the stripper," grinned a passing stoat, "Did you pay her or something?"

Several of the vixens who'd fancied him narrowed their eyes, sharp with bold black eyeliner, at Rinj, as though thinking, _What does _she_ have that I don't?_

Ublaz suppressed a grin. _That would be me, ladies—for now anyways._

With a growl, Rinj shrugged him off and straightened, he caught that old flame smoldering in her eyes. "I'm _not_ with him!" she turned to Ulbaz, her tone bitter. "Look, Mad-eyes, why'd you came here in the first place? What do you want? 'Cause if it's to sleep with me, like every other sick guy in this club, it's not gonna happen. You might as well leave right now. And if you even think about telling a soul about what I do for a living, then by _Dios_, I'll kill you."

Ublaz caught her shoulder as she turned away. "I won't tell a soul that you're an exotic dancer…under one condition."

Now she was all ears. "Ok, but make it quick. You know how short my temper is."

"Rinj. I now you've made it your aim in life to hate me, though would it hurt you, just for a second, just to be civil? You can't always feed off of Rasconza's old rivalries. He has a lot more to hate me for than just conquering Sampetra."

Her lovely green eyes glared at him in defiance, and for a moment she was silent in thought. He could he the music thrumming metrically in the background.

"Fine. But you have to promise _never_ to try to kiss me again."

He grinned, seizing her by the chin and considering that ripe, luscious mouth. "I'll try to resist you."

She gingerly extended her paw to him. So things hadn't turned out that bad after all, and bizarre as it was, she was extending her paw to Ublaz. Guess you never know what might happen on the Isle of Sampetra. "I never thought I'd say this, but… Friends?"

He took it willingly. "Friends." _With benefits._

To be continued… THE END 

Devil-gurl666 says: And then they lived happily ever after.

**Devil's Advocate says: **Not.


End file.
